Parenting is often a challenging job.  There is no handbook given to us when we become parents.  All we have is what we have seen at home (good or bad) and, to some degree, what we see in homes/families we may visit from time to time.
I am an "observer" so I like to try to notice how people run their families and pick up some good ideas I can use in my own home--but I have to be looking for them in order to notice them.

For example, I know one family that kneels and holds hands while they pray each night before bedtime.  They like that tradition.  Anything GOOD you can make into a tradition is going to pay off in the long run.  Some hug after prayer.  Some come home after school and eat cookies and milk and talk to their parents for awhile--or they do that before bed.  It creates a SPACE in time when you are together during the day and can talk and share.  Too many families are never together in one place on a regular basis.  And during that special time the agreement needs to be that everyone does their best to promote a good, supportive atmosphere.  Traditions create a feeling of "family"...what traditions do you have?  Have you seen others you would like to  have in your family?  Talk about one or two and start working on them.

So, because parenting is a tough job at times I want to say a word about BOUNDARIES.  I have been a psychologist for 40 years.  I have done a lot of marriage counseling as well.  I taught marriage and family at Brigham Young University for a number of years.  I have given many talks and presentations on family life and relationships, and Sherri and I raised ten children who are now 32 to 45-----I say that to set the stage for what I will say next:  People ask me all the time what are my greatest concerns about the current American family.  There are several but one of the big ones is THE UNWILLINGNESS OF PARENTS TO SET REASONABLE BOUNDARIES AND RULES IN THE HOME AND FAMILY.

I am not sure what the reason is for why we avoid this topic.  Some parents want the APPROVAL of their children more than the OBEDIENCE of their children.  You can have both!  It is not necessary to choose between them.  Research shows that children who have appropriate boundaries set by their parents are children who like and appreciate their parents more.  Children and youth do not like weak parents who won't set standards and rules to guide the family and relationships within the family.
Parents can present new rules or standards in FAMILY HOME EVENING once a week and ask the children to express their feelings about them so that everyone is together on what will be implemented.  HOWEVER, this is not a "voting session"...If the children want to "vote down" an important family standard or rule---they must understand that the final decision belongs to the PARENTS. That is why there are parents.  They are responsible for the well-being of the family and ALWAYS assume final responsibility for how the family is run.
But standards and rules ALWAYS  work better if the whole family comes to an understanding and agreement on them.  So, talk it over and answer questions and build a team agreement in the family.

There are also "personal boundaries" with the children that greatly affect how you influence your children.  For instance..many parents ASK their children if it is OK if the child does a certain thing like not outside right now or cleaning their room, for example.  The conversation goes like this:  "No, Chris, I do not want you to go out and play right now....OK?"  The OK on the end can create a problem.  It is like saying "Here is what I want you to do--is that OK?  I only want you to do what I am saying if you approve and are OK with it."  Parents will say "that is NOT what I mean when I say..."OK?"  Possibly but many children interpret it as the child being in charge of what happens next rather than the parent.
It is even worse if you say "I do not want you to go outside right now...OK?"  and the child looks at you, brushes past you and goes outside anyway!  If that happens in too many cases then the child comes to understand that HE/SHE is really in charge of how each of those situations turns out..NOT you as the parent.  If they brush past you and go outside anyway or you tell them they need to clean their room first and they just head outside...then the BIG LESSON learned by the child is I CAN BE IN CHARGE WHENEVER I WANT TO.  If this becomes a common occurrence in the parent/child relationship then over and over the child OVERRIDES the parent.  Ask yourself why that is not a good thing......
Why do children have parents?  Because parents are more experienced, mature, and can structure family life so that children learn the most important lessons of life.  THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN AT HOME.  Children should be included in discussions and planning and problem solving in the family--it is their family, too.  BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT IF THE FEELING IN THE AIR IS NOT THAT THE PARENTS ARE THE FINAL DECISION MAKERS AND ARE IN CHARGE---problems will inevitably result. So, you have a family council and talk over family rules and family standards and once all the "input" is received from the children then the parents announce what the new rule or standard will be and ask for the support of the family.  Hopefully, you can explain the new direction and "win them over" so that everyone moves ahead in unity.  But if not---you still are in charge and must implement whatever you feel is best for all.

I had a mom tell me once "I tell my son what I expect or want him to do and he just walks away..." I asked, "What do you do then?"  She said...."I just shrug my shoulders and ask myself---what can I do, he just won't listen to me."  Here is my core question in such a situation--"WHO IS IN CHARGE IN SUCH SITUATIONS--THE PARENT OR THE CHILD?"  It is the child.   Again, children are participants and should feel they are a very important part of family discussions, planning for vacations, discussions on how the family will work best and a host of things.  They feel more important and valued if they are part of working up how things are going to happen in the family.  BUT WHO HAS THE FINAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING?  The parents and they must not give up that important responsibility.
All of this is done in love...don't use anger or intimidation...Be CLEAR on what is going to happen...ask for COOPERATION....respected parents are more often followed by the children...not always..but much more often.  Be strong; not weak.  YOU ARE THE FAMILY DIRECTORS AND THE FAMILY TEACHERS.  I think you will do a good job of it.
If something does not work out very well--talk to other parents and seek advice...but stay in charge..you are the captains of the family ship.

Parents are not dictators...but they must CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOME WHICH "FEELS" LIKE THE COMPETENT PARENTS ARE IN CHARGE.  You are the leaders in the family.
Always remember--these are just my opinions.  Talk them over with your spouse, children or other parents....it is your family and you can run it according to your own preferences and values,  Jim