"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others"

Cicero  (106-43 BC)

Why do you think that has validity?

Here is one short thought of my own on the statement by Cicero.

When we experience true gratitude it means means finally we have come to a point in our lives where we "get it".....meaning we get who we are, why we are here and that living gives us a breathtaking opportunity to profit from living in this world (which is designed to be a School for us to learn in).  Everyone around is may be our teacher.  Our experiences are our Lessons.  Our toughest moments, with time and perspective, can become our greatest  moments,  All that makes me feel gratitude because I understand that without all of you out there, my teachers,  my learning would not be much at all.  So, for that I am grateful. 

I have always been interested in personal growth.  We talk about how important growth is and that we should seek to promote our own growth in various areas of our lives.  Growing makes life more interesting and fulfilling.
So here is one way I have used all my adult life to help me grow. Maybe it will help you, too.

It is called THE TEN SCALE.

We tend to think of growth as "either/or"  Either I am patient or not. Either I am a good student or not. Either I am spiritual or not.  Either I am happy or not. Either I am a good public speaker or not.
You see the list of possibilities is endless.

But how many of us are either one thing or the other?  How many are strong or not?  How many are good spellers or not?  How many are successful at a sport or music or in a career OR NOT?  Just does not match my experience at all.

Here is what DOES make sense to me. I measure EVERYTHING by using the ten scale. I have taught this to my children, missionaries when I was mission president, my students when I was a University professor and my clients as a psychologist. And I HAVE ALWAYS USED IT MYSELF TO HELP MYSELF GROW.

Examples:  If I were to rate myself (using the ten scale) on...let's say being a good listener.  I would give myself a score of about 7.  That is pretty good actually.  Ten is not the objective...too perfect. Trying to reach perfection on something is for perfectionists and they usually are unhappy and frustrated.  If you can get to 8 or 9 on the ten scale that is about as good as it gets. So my self rating of 7 is a good one.  To TEST my own self evaluation I can ask several other people to rate me on that characteristic. So I ask my wife and some of my adult children to rate me and they say " 5, 6, 4 and 8"  Several think I am not as good as I think I am and one thinks I am a bit better. THAT IS VERY GOOD FEEDBACK. SEEK FEEDBACK.  DON'T BE AFRAID OF FEEDBACK!!

Let's do two more so you get the idea a little better.  Let's do a skill like playing a sport--baseball or soccer, for example.  What is your self rating on playing soccer? You give yourself a 6 and three others on your team all rate you an 8.  You ask them why and you learn you are too self critical and are a little better than you thought you were.

Last one.  Public speaking.  Most people are afraid of it.  So you rate yourself a 3. You think you are terrible!!  Your teacher in school gives you a 4, your mom a 5 and your brother gives you a 2.  So you are probably somewhere between pretty bad and average.  Good information.  Before you can progress you need to know where you are now.  So you do a self rating and then ask a few people who know you well enough to also rate you. You try to honestly put it all together and get an accurate idea of where you are.

THEN WHAT?  HOW DO YOU GROW ONCE YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON ANY GIVEN PERSONAL CHARACTERISTIC OR SKILL?  If you are at 4 or the ten scale on whichever characteristic you are measuring (it can literally be ANYTHING you are interested in measuring) your next step is to SET A NEW GOAL.  So you DO NOT WANT TO GO FOR TEN IMMEDIATELY.  If you are at 4 you might want to shoot for getting to 6 on the ten scale.  So you need to IDENTIFY A PLAN FOR PROGRESSING.  If you are 4 on a ten scale in public speaking you might sit down with a teacher or someone good at it and ask them to suggest two or three things you can practice so that your self evaluation and their evaluation of you improves to 6.  Then you practice, practice, practice.  After that  you give another speech and have your teacher or someone good at public speaking evaluate your progress.  You give yourself a 5 and the two of them give you a 5 and a 6.  That tells you that practice is helping and you are making progress.

You will want to keep practicing to solidify your progress at the level dof 6.  Then you might ask those same people to suggest more things you can practice in order to get to 8.  Then you do what? PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.  You give another speech and ask them to evaluate you again  using the ten scale.  They say you are now at an average of 7. You have gone from 4 to 7 in whatever period of time you have been practicing.  You did several things: you did a self evaluation (and an evaluation of your skill by others), you set a plan, you practiced a lot, then you did another self evaluation and received an evaluation from the others.
This is a simple growth plan that works on ANY PERSONAL CHARACTERISTIC YOU WANT TO GROW IN.  You can do it on getting less angry, more patient, better at basketball, better leader, better at math, better dresser, becoming more of an extrovert and less of an introvert, being kinder, more loving, spending more time with your children, learning a new language, learning more about painting....literally ANYTHING can get better by using THE TEN SCALE AND FEEDBACK AND SELF EVALUATION to measure your progress.  Try it...you might like it.

Who is NOT a leader?  EVERYONE IS A LEADER IN SOME WAY....think about it.




GOOD LEADERS MUST FIRST BE GOOD SERVANTS..............

Robert Greenleaf

If you want to see the impact of a "thank you" that is unexpected.....try this---- CALL or email ten people you know and express an honest thank you for something they did for you or an example they set or something good they did that affected you in a positive way.  If you do not have time for ten phone calls then do ten emails or some texts.  Be sure you have good addresses......

If 100 people did what I just suggested----- there would be 1,000 people blessed by the thoughtfulness of those 100 people.  You can send this to some friends and suggest it and ask them to share what happens....usually it has a huge impact on many people.

See....all of us want to feel significant... like we "count" for something....then taking steps like this every so often instantly allows you to inject something very personally powerful into the lives of others.  Try it...I bet  you will like it.  And tell the people you know they can do it more than once if they like doing it.  What if 100 people did this once a week for a month?  Zowie......the influence for good would be tremendous..
Have a nice day.

I think maybe next time I am going to share an idea I have had for awhile that I call TEENS FOR GOOD......... tune in later for that.... Jim

You probably will notice that I have certain THEMES that I like to write about. One is families and the responsibility of parents to teach their children directly as well as indirectly.
Indirectly you teach them by example and possibly by things you write and send to them in an email or that you post on the refrigerator in your kitchen or you can print out your words and put it on paper on their pillow so they can read it over and over.  Directly is when you say it to them. Someday when you are gone from the earth (temporarily) the BEST thing your children can ever say about you at your funeral or memorial service is:  MY MOTHER/ FATHER TAUGHT ME WELL THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I NEEDED TO KNOW IN MY LIFE. I AM MORE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT THEY TAUGHT ME THAN FOR WHAT THEY GAVE ME.

When our lives are over we ALL leave something behind.  The things we leave behind might be fairly inconsequential (don't matter much) and will be quickly forgotten.  Other things we leave behind might be very powerful and may have a great influence on many people for a long time---most notably our family members.

What do you want to leave behind?  Start now to think and plan even if you are young.  If you leave behind THINGS (house, money, trophies, cars, properties, titles etc)  they will quickly be gone and within not too long they will be forgotten.  But if you find a way to leave behind YOUR INFLUENCE it quite possibly could go on for a long, long time....many lifetimes.  You are really still here because your PERSONAL INFLUENCE is still here.

How can you do that?  INFLUENCE YOUR CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN NOW.  Write to them, teach them, set worthy examples for them, share your love with them now.....don't wait.  Help them grow, gain education, skills, knowledge, faith....whatever is TRULY valuable to you. Leave those things for them.  You can leave what you think and feel about important things in life in A JOURNAL.  Call it JOURNAL FOR MY FAMILY AND CLOSE FRIENDS.  Then write down in your own handwriting memories, your thoughts, teachings, opinions that you hope will be a blessing to your family.  Years from now your great grandchildren might read them and your influence goes on.
Your voice is not stilled.

I want each of my children and grandchildren to be tied to me by a THREAD.  Symbolically that means we are connected....always. As they go on into THEIR futures the thread that is tied to me goes along with them.  That means there is a small part of me that is a part of them....it goes with them into their future and into the future of their children.  I want that THREAD that ties/binds/connects us together to be a STRONG, FIRM THREAD.  I need to make it out of good material.  I need to be good material and whatever example I show to them must be made of good material. If so, the thread that connects us will always be strong.

The fibers of the thread connecting us is made of what I taught them and the example I showed them.  This puts upon me a GREAT AND SOLEMN RESPONSIBILITY TO BE A GOOD EXAMPLE AND A THOUGHTFUL/CAREFUL TEACHER.  Now none of this is egotistical. I am NOT interested in myself in this matter.  I do not want them to talk about me. I want them to talk about what THEY LEARNED FROM ME THAT HELPED THEM...AND MAYBE THOSE SAME THINGS WILL HELP THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN...AND THE THREAD THAT TIES ME TO MY CHILDREN ALSO TIES MANY GENERATIONS TOGETHER IN LOVE, WELL BEING AND GOODNESS. 

I hope the thread is a strong golden thread.  So that is a way of thinking about YOUR INFLUENCE.  Make your influence thoughtful, careful, prayerful, strong, connecting and inspiring.....ask yourself now HOW WILL I DO THAT?  WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO BE SURE MY HEALTHY INFLUENCE BLESSES MY CHILDREN AND POSTERITY AND THOSE I LOVE?

IT IS YOUR LEGACY. BUILD IT CAREFULLY AND IT WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE AND THEIRS BETTER.

I have been on vacation in Arizona,

ACTUAL VALUES AND IDEAL VALUES

What is the difference between actual and ideal values?

If someone followed you around for a week and just observed what you do, how you spend your time, activities you are involved in, books you read, what you do for leisure, what you do when no one else is around and a bunch of other things you regularly do.......AND THEN YOU ASKED THEM "BASED ON WHAT YOU HAVE OBSERVED.....WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL VALUES ?(actual values are those we ACTUALLY have based upon evidence...evidence being what we choose to do, think etc.)  Ask someone who knows you well to write down what he/she thinks are your top 5 actual values and compare them with your own list.

Then WRITE DOWN A LIST OF YOUR TOP IDEAL VALUES.  What is an ideal value? It is a value we would like to have in our lives.  Maybe that value is on your actual list as well...but maybe not.  Are all values "positive values"?  No.  Sometimes we value things that are not very good for us or others.  Sometimes we value things that are harmful to us.  Those are also called "negative values."

Possible example:

ACTUAL VALUES OF PERSON X

You have asked someone to observe you carefully for a week and then write down your top five or ten values AS THEY HAVE OBSERVED THEM. You should ask them to try to list them in priority order...their best guess based on what they saw.

1, Having fun
2. Staying physically fit
3. Living a good moral life
4. Avoiding responsibility
5. Showing love for the members of my family

BUT you wrote THESE down as  your ideal values! IDEAL VALUES OF PERSON X (as he/she ideally want them to be in priority order.)

1. Progressing in my career
2. Spending time with my family
3. Finding ways to make the world a better place---especially in my own community
4. Staying physically fit
5. Living a good moral life

Some are on one list but not the other and some are on both lists but are in different priority order.
Interesting?  VALUES SHOULD BE THE BASIS FOR OUR DECISIONS.  I want to make decisions based on my values (ideal)...but what happens if I make decisions based upon my ACTUAL values  and those values are NOT where I want them to be?

LESSON:  If we are going to base our life choices and decisions on our ideal values then we need to do all we can to make our ideal values and actual values as similar as possible.  It is not easy to do but the closer we can get the actual values to the ideal values....the more we will like how our choices and decisions turn out.  At least that is what I think..... Jim

Several people asked me what MY "purpose sentence" is that I use to guide myself in my challenging moments........and it is  REMEMBER JIM THAT YOUR JOB IS TO BE AN EXAMPLE THAT YOU CAN RECOMMEND TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO FOLLOW in day to day living."

That one has helped me with many crucial decisions and choices in day to day living.  Not perfectly..but it always causes me to STOP and THINK and choose the next step more carefully.
Jim

Why does life have to be so complicated?
Or do we make it complicated?  Who made the decision? I did.  Who got mad? I did.  Who was critical?  I was.  Who decided to keep being a pleaser?  Me.  Who works very hard at privately watering and carefully maintaining his/her garden of anger?  Who likes gardens of anger?  They are called that because we walk into them expecting a normal garden and what we find is anger and it is deadly. Anger is deadly. Trade it for something else.

Ok...no one likes long posts...so I can tell  you something you can do TODAY that will make your life different and much better. Want to hear it?

Most of us have a fair number of "negative moments" which become "moments in which we might make negative/unhelpful decisions"---this typically happens every day many times to all of us.
So, I have a question for you.  It is one of the best questions that you can ever ask yourself. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?  WHAT IS MY CENTRAL PURPOSE IN LIFE?  You are allowed (by me) only ONE SENTENCE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION.  I know it probably has many answers but I am in charge today and you only get ONE.

Hmmmmmmm. What is MY purpose?  I guarantee you that IF YOU WILL ASK YOURSELF THAT VERY QUESTION WHENEVER YOU ARE IN A MOMENT OF CRISIS, DECISIONMAKING, FACING A TOUGH SITUATION....AN IRRITATING PERSON....AN AGGRAVATING SITUATION...A WORRISOME MOMENT...WHEN YOU ARE PRESENTED WITH A CHANCE TO BE A BETTER OR WORSE PERSON..............

ASK YOURSELF THIS KEY QUESTION: WHAT IS MY PERSONAL PURPOSE?  And remember you only get a one sentence answer to guide you.

So, CAN one single question, answered by any of us in a tough moment...REALLY make a difference? Yes, it can. Try it.  It works because it stops you from going where you were heading and allows you to self correct your course to bring it in line with the answer to your purpose question.

I have recommended it to many people many times and they are amazed at how much it helps in their daily lives.

" Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."
Lawrence J. Peter

Have a nice day.  What is your purpose?     Jim 
 

 

YOU WILL BE AS HAPPY AS YOU ARE SELF DISCIPLINED.

David O. McKay

I think HUMOR is very important.  We need to laugh....it is good for physical and psychological health. It can build human relationships if done appropriately.  When you are with others and you laugh together, quite often it seems to communicate "We like being together."  That is especially important in families. Families should play together and have some fun. Not everything should be serious in a family.
So here is my attempt at humor today (my kids will say I have a weird sense of humor....)

So, a few years ago Sherri and I were visiting our son Don, his wife Jennifer and their four children in Kansas.  While we were there, Don remembered that when our children were little quite regularly I would do what we called "INTERVIEWS"  I am not sure why I gave them that name because what we did during "interviews" was....each one of our ten children would go with me, one at a time, to the family room or a bedroom, or some place where we could chat casually about things like "how is school going?  How are things going with your friends?  How do you feel about things in the family or at church?  What makes you happy or sad?  What is the best thing that has happened to you recently or the worst thing....."  Simple questions like that designed to allow me, as the dad, to just chat with each one of my kids privately (hard to get one on one time in a family of 12)....so that I could "keep in touch" with how their lives were going so I could encourage them or be of help if necessary.
So, during this visit with our son Don and his family in Kansas....Don had the brilliant idea of me, as the granddad having the SAME TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL CHATS with his four kids as I used to have with him and his nine siblings years ago!!  He thought it would be FUN for his kids to experience with me the same thing our ten children experienced with me  many years ago.
It sounded like a good idea so we decided to do it.  Their four kids were all for it.  A personal chat with grandpa, wow!  Sounded fun to them.

I decided to start with  Reese, who was 5 years old at the time.  She and I went into one of the kid's rooms and jumped up on one of the bunk beds and began our "interview" or "chat"...Just Reese and Grandpa Sparky...... I began the conversation by asking her "Reese, what would YOU like to talk about?"  I had no idea what was coming.......She sat there for about a minute just looking at me...she seemed to be studying my face..."but no, it couldn't be that..." I thought to myself...

Suddenly her eyes got real big and she blurted out "GRANDPA, WHY IS YOUR NOSE SO BIG??"
I was totally caught off guard by her question so I just broke into a big laugh and so did she...then I gathered myself together and looked at her and tried to explain that as people get older their noses keep growing so sometimes they seem bigger as you get older....  She looked a little confused but seemed satisfied with my answer...

After that interview I went out and told Don and Jenni what she had said and they both laughed but I thought Don was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.  Good ol Reesy...she is the best.  By they way, retelling this story to you just made me think I should go in the bathroom and check to see if my nose has grown even more since that "interview" with Reese MacArthur...

Have a good day and try to laugh enough to relax and enjoy life....it will do you some good.  Your friend,  Jim "Big Nose" MacArthur  now in Utah after three years in Chile....,

HUMILITY---one of the greatest of all human characteristics.....seek it.  Here is why.
Some people view the characteristic of humility as being weak.  I think it is very strong.
The humble are more teachable.  They think more of others and less about themselves. They are less "in competition" with others.  The humble can more easily talk about you rather than themselves.  They might even have time for you. They are builders of others.
They do  not think less of themselves (in terms of personal value) but they want to help you feel your own value.  Your growth and happiness is important to them....it is not all about them.
The humble can see lessons in their failures and accept those lessons with a deep sense of gratitude.

Give the place of honor to someone else....why would you need it for yourself?  Express gratitude rather than promote your own self importance.  Service to others and gratitude expressed for what others do for you lifts the receiver of your gratitude.  As they then go on their way possessing the gift of gratitude you have given them...they are happier and less burdened down with personal concerns...and they will likely do the same for another by lifting them ...and then that person for another....and so the gift given in humility and love and gratitude fills many people with something that is very much needed in our world...a sense of their own worth.  Your initial gift eventually blesses many, many people and makes the world a better place.
Maybe we would all be much better off if we said "OH, GOOD FOR YOU...." more frequently than we say "good for me."  Someone once asked me "is there something wrong with saying "good for me"...I said, "not at all. Actually, it is quite important to be able to say that.  But, take the good in you and give it away.  Give it as often and as much as you can.  Givers are so much happier than takers. Give away what God has given you....it will change you at the very center.  The best gifts are given....
I think it is quite fascinating that Jesus, the greatest of us all...was always known for his humility and lack of self-preoccupation...what a great example for us all.  He who knows all and and has all power...felt to say "for this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man..."  He work is about us...each of us. 

I like other people's insights which they have come by through living and experiencing.  Here are a few that you can choose from to see if one or more of them change the next few days for you.  Often we read famous quotes or inspiring statements and we say to ourselves WOW!! THAT IS SO TRUE! Then we say WOW one more time and then move on in our lives NEVER CHALLENGING OURSELVES TO DO SOMETHING WITH WHAT WE LEARNED.  Why learn ANYTHING in vain?  Why learn it just so it can be a memory?  Why put it on a piece of paper or wood, or the front of the fridge....smile and do nothing with it.  We all tend to do that, don't we?

So see if you can find a way to make one of these are part of your life in the next few days. If you care to share what happens with someone else that would be great. If you want to share it with me, I would be honored.  If we knew who each of us really is....in an eternal sense....we would be stunned and amazed at who stands in front of us. Maybe we would listen to them more carefully and write down what they say...and share our new learning with those we love.  Do you share new things you learn with those you love?  Try it.  New fruitful learning is the purest gem of all. Why would we keep the gems only for ourselves when so many around us hunger for new vision?

If you learn something of great value and you email it to someone else then TWO are similarly blessed. If the person you send it to sends it on to two or three others then five have been given a gift.  Why would we seek to bless only ourselves (one) rather than five, ten, twenty?

"The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost."  GK Chesterton      I thought about this when my grandson, Parker Shumaker, age 2, passed away eight years ago.

"So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."   Will Rogers

"Go often to the house of your friend: for weeds soon choke up the unused path."  Scandinavian Proverb    I can guarantee you that THE DESPERATE NEED FOR YOUR VISIT to someone praying for love and help is limitless.

"If there is no wind; row."   Latin Proverb

One more...........

"On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone, in dark and dreary places.  Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting.  And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal."  Elder Jeffrey R, Holland    Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

One of the requests I most often make in my personal prayers is "Heavenly Father...please help me to recognize the help that will come to me today, or tomorrow or whenever it comes.  I need help in recognizing the help that comes to me....and I need it very much. I can't do this alone."  The help that is around you might surprise you if you pray for help to recognize it.

More on another day...love, Jim

THE VALUE OF CHILDREN      can be described in many many different ways.  They are "us" in the future.  They are our legacy.  They are the innocence and beauty of life.  They carry a unique spirit.  They carry our values into the future.  They represent our optimism about the future of the world we live in...... The following is an experience shared by Elder Eduardo Ayala of the Seventy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that was published in THE FRIEND magazine in March, 1996.  I thought the spirit of it might encourage all of us to be good to our children, to set a good example for them, and to cherish them as did President Spencer W Kimball, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in those years.

" One of the greatest expressions of love for children that I have seen occurred when I was serving as a stake president in Chile.  President Spencer W Kimball visited Chile for an area conference. Members of the Church from four countries met together in a stadium that held about fifteen thousand people.  We asked President Kimball what he would like to do after the conference.  His eyes full of tears, he said, ' I would like to see the children.'  One of the priesthood leaders announced over the microphone that President Kimball would like to shake the3 hands of or bless each of the children in the stadium.  The people were astounded--there was a great silence. President Kimball greeted abut two thousand children one by one, crying as he shook their hands or kissed them or put his hands on theirs heads and blessed them.  The children were very reverent and looked at him and cried, too.  He said he'd never felt this kind of spirit in his life.  It was a tremendous moment in the lives of all the Church members there.  We felt closer to the children, too, because of this experience with President Kimball."

My own children and grandchildren have taught me more than any other source of learning I have experienced in my life.  They inspire me to be true to what I know, believe, and cherish.  They will be custodians of all of it when I am gone.  Jim

ARGUING............I know a few things about arguing.  It commonly starts as a disagreement between two people...but it can easily escalate into something more.  The argument that stays focused on the issue at hand (ex. "Why didn't you do what you told me you would do?") does much less damage overall than an argument that deteriorates into PERSONAL ATTACK.  That means you leave the issue at hand and begin attacking the person him or herself.  (Ex "You are an insensitive person...")  Can you see how the first example is aiming at some particular thing that is bothering one or both of the people arguing but the second example has now moved BEYOND the specific issue that started the argument and has become a painful attack on something fundamental/basic in the person.
BE CAREFUL NOT TO LET AN ARGUMENT BECOME PERSONAL IN THAT WAY.

Here are a few suggestions that might help with arguing.

1.  If you repeatedly argue with someone specific then, in a moment when you are feeling pretty good toward each other, set some "ground rules" for the times when an argument is starting to happen. Like, "if I feel like we are starting to get on each other's nerves I am going to say something positive to you right then and see if I can help to slow down the negative direction of our conversation."  Example?  An argument is in the early stages of "happening" and you look at the other person and say "You make good bread!" or "Your best color is green!" or "you have a cute dimple when you are mad!"  But the key is that BEFOREHAND you told the other person that you are going to do that to slow down the deterioration of whatever is happening at the moment of argument.

2. Another thing that helps is to listen first and speak later.  So an argument is starting to happen and you offer "I can see you are upset so why don't you go first and tell me what is bothering you and I will do my best to just listen."  Then I will attack you afterwards!  :)  Not really on that last part!  Then I will tell you what I am thinking and how I feel. I am going to try to have my guide by the phrase "MAINTAIN EMOTIONAL CONTROL--DON'T LOSE IT AND SAY SOMETHING MEAN AND HURTFUL".
3. If you do argue....remember that your most important personal goal is to OFFER A HELPFUL SOLUTION at some point rather than EMOTIONALLY BEAT THE OTHER PERSON UP.  The real victory is for the TWO of you rather than the victory going to just one of you.
4.  Ask yourself if your tendency to argue has more to do with YOU than the other person.  If you are honest with yourself, are you full of pride?  Or are you depressed?  Or are you "on edge" because there is a new baby in the family and you are not getting enough sleep?  If you try to help the other person with the underlying root causes of them being edgy or upset...that will produce much better outcomes than continuing the argument so you win.
5. Have one of your kids video you arguing and then study it privately.  When we "see" ourselves in action we are usually embarrassed and motivated to resolve isues rather than declare personal war on the other person. Ask yourself "Seriously, would you talk like you are talking if your mother, father, best friend, one of your children, bishop or pastor were listening and observing?"  My guess is you would find more respectful and less demeaning ways to talk to the other person.


Well, I could go on with many other suggestions but hopefully those inspire some introspection on your part.  YOUR goal is to improve yourself in how or why you argue rather than improve the other person. Improving how they argue is the job of the other person.  Both of you should take it seriously.

Here is one final sort of fun or cute way to "argue".  Decide in advance that when you argue YOU HAVE TO WHISPER!!.  It is very hard to argue when whispering.  Usually it brings a little lighthearted touch into the situation and things slow down so the issue at hand can be discussed more rationally and less emotionally. WHISPER DURING AN ARGUMENT!!!! It works!!

Well, I do have one other thought that helps in BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS overall.  Concept: EVERYONE HAS A LOVE BUCKET.  You can't actually see it but they have one and they carry it with them everywhere they go.  If a person's love bucket is full they tend to be happier, more resilient, better problem solvers, argue less...and they are just more tranquil typically.  If your love bucket is half full then usually you will struggle with all those things a little more.  If you love bucket is empty....watch out!  You "feel bad, worthless, low self esteem, have more negative emotion etc" so what happens when a difficulty comes up with someone else?  You tend to go negative rather than positive.  So, ask yourself "how can I help fill the love bucket of my spouse, friend, child or someone else?"  A smile, a note of gratitude, a surprise, a gift, doing a chore for someone else in the family, playing a game, listening, saying the wordes 'I love you'...or 'thank you for trying'....saying something nice about the other person to him or her personally or about them to someone else....the list is endless...just be sensitive and "build the other person up" in some way.
And, if you get a chance, let other key people in your life know how YOUR love bucket can be filled.....be specific.

That is enough for today....never let a psychologist get too much control of your attention....they will "suggest" endlessly!!!  Have a good day. Jim

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!

The posts I have written in this blog are part of the first blog I have ever done.  I just thought it would be fun to share ideas on many topics with anyone who is interested. I have always believed I can learn something from anyone if I just listen.  Others of you should start blogs and share your thinking with those interested.

So, apparently people who have known me during different parts of my life are interested in my religious conversion.  Those of you who knew me when I was growing up in Coronado, San Diego, CA are probably surprised that I am a religious person.  I was surprised, too!  When I was in my junior year of high school I was introduced to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka the Mormon Church due to the fact that members of this church believe in the Bible and in the Book of Mormon as testimonies of the divinity of Jesus Christ as the Son of God and Savior of the world.)  So, others gave us the nickname "Mormons" long ago initially in a somewhat dirisive way. Now, members of this church are fairly well respected but the nickname "Mormons" has stayed with us.  It is a little hard to say the full name of the Church anyway...the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
I became a member of the Church at age 17 and served as a missionary at age 19 in the Spanish American Mission with headquarters in San Antonio, Texas.  I learned the Spanish language in that mission.  I returned home and attended Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah (the largest private religious university in the US).  I met Sherri there and we were married in 1968.  We have ten children from 32 to 44 in age and forty grandchildren at this point in time. I retired recently from the faculty at BYU where I was a clinical professor and psychologist for 38 years. She and I just returned from another three year mission to Chile in South America.

I love "ideas"---on almost any topic so you will note that I have written about a number of random ideas so far in my blog. But, following along with the story of my conversion that I have briefly shared in this posting I thought I would answer a question someone sent to me recently....."what is the Book of Mormon all about?"

I will briefly answer that question and if anyone has further questions you can post them on the blog or communicate with me at sparky7264@gmail.com  

The Book of Mormon is an ancient record of a people who lived on this the American continent between 600 BC and 400 AD (a thousand year history of this people).  It is considered by members of the Church to be scripture as is the Bible.  The Book of Mormon is also called ANOTHER TESTIMONY OF JESUS CHRIST.  The Bible testifies of God the Father and also of His Son Jesus Christ who is the Savior of the world.  The Book of Mormon also testifies of those very same things. So why do we need it or have it?  The Bible contains the account of the life of Christ in the Old World including his life and death and resurrection...including his teachings to the people there.  The Book of Mormon is the history of a people who left Jerusalem in 600 BC and came to this, the American continent.  It a a thousand year history of their experiences here...all written by prophets of God in the Americas just as the Bible was written by prophets of God in the Old World.  Jesus Christ visited the people of Nephi in the new world after his resurrection and taught them.  Since they saw him and heard him the Book of Mormon prophets, like biblical prophets were able to testify of His reality and divinity as the Son of God.  So to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the Book of Mormon is ANOTHER witness of Jesus Christ testifying hand in hand with the Bible.  Two testimonies from two different parts of the world...but testifying of the same Christ and who He was and is.  It is called the Book of Mormon as the prophet who compiled all the records of the other prophets writing in the book was named Mormon.  He, Mormon, compiled the ancient records into one record--today called the Book of Mormon.
So that briefly tells you what the Book of Mormon is and why it is important to us.

Some wonder if members of our Church are "Christians".......yes, we are.  Notice the name of Christ in the name of the church. For your interest I will cite one scripture from the Book of Mormon  written by the prophet Nephi who testifies of Jesus Christ.

Nephi was a Book of Mormon prophet as were Isaiah, Moses, Jeremiah, and others in the Old Testament along with the Apostles of Christ who wrote much of the New Testament)

The prophet Nephi wrote the following in around 550 BC... "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies , that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.....And now behold, I say unto you that the right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not; and Christ is the Holy One of Israel; wherefore ye must bow down before him, and worship him with all your might, mind, and strength, and your whole soul; and if ye do this ye shall in nowise be cast out." 2 Nephi 25: 26, 29

This gives you some idea of what attracted me to the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been an active member of that church for 51 years now.  It has been a great blessing to me and to my large family.
Have a nice day.  I will write on some other random topic in a few days......

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR.

George Addair



I AM NOT THE PRODUCT OF MY CIRCUMSTANCES...I AM THE PRODUCT OF MY DECISIONS.

Stephen R. Covey

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.

Vincent Van Gogh

For what does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?

Jesus Christ

I believe in Christ as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else more clearly.....   CS Lewis

One of the above quotes is just for you today.....choose carefully.