ARGUING............I know a few things about arguing.  It commonly starts as a disagreement between two people...but it can easily escalate into something more.  The argument that stays focused on the issue at hand (ex. "Why didn't you do what you told me you would do?") does much less damage overall than an argument that deteriorates into PERSONAL ATTACK.  That means you leave the issue at hand and begin attacking the person him or herself.  (Ex "You are an insensitive person...")  Can you see how the first example is aiming at some particular thing that is bothering one or both of the people arguing but the second example has now moved BEYOND the specific issue that started the argument and has become a painful attack on something fundamental/basic in the person.
BE CAREFUL NOT TO LET AN ARGUMENT BECOME PERSONAL IN THAT WAY.

Here are a few suggestions that might help with arguing.

1.  If you repeatedly argue with someone specific then, in a moment when you are feeling pretty good toward each other, set some "ground rules" for the times when an argument is starting to happen. Like, "if I feel like we are starting to get on each other's nerves I am going to say something positive to you right then and see if I can help to slow down the negative direction of our conversation."  Example?  An argument is in the early stages of "happening" and you look at the other person and say "You make good bread!" or "Your best color is green!" or "you have a cute dimple when you are mad!"  But the key is that BEFOREHAND you told the other person that you are going to do that to slow down the deterioration of whatever is happening at the moment of argument.

2. Another thing that helps is to listen first and speak later.  So an argument is starting to happen and you offer "I can see you are upset so why don't you go first and tell me what is bothering you and I will do my best to just listen."  Then I will attack you afterwards!  :)  Not really on that last part!  Then I will tell you what I am thinking and how I feel. I am going to try to have my guide by the phrase "MAINTAIN EMOTIONAL CONTROL--DON'T LOSE IT AND SAY SOMETHING MEAN AND HURTFUL".
3. If you do argue....remember that your most important personal goal is to OFFER A HELPFUL SOLUTION at some point rather than EMOTIONALLY BEAT THE OTHER PERSON UP.  The real victory is for the TWO of you rather than the victory going to just one of you.
4.  Ask yourself if your tendency to argue has more to do with YOU than the other person.  If you are honest with yourself, are you full of pride?  Or are you depressed?  Or are you "on edge" because there is a new baby in the family and you are not getting enough sleep?  If you try to help the other person with the underlying root causes of them being edgy or upset...that will produce much better outcomes than continuing the argument so you win.
5. Have one of your kids video you arguing and then study it privately.  When we "see" ourselves in action we are usually embarrassed and motivated to resolve isues rather than declare personal war on the other person. Ask yourself "Seriously, would you talk like you are talking if your mother, father, best friend, one of your children, bishop or pastor were listening and observing?"  My guess is you would find more respectful and less demeaning ways to talk to the other person.


Well, I could go on with many other suggestions but hopefully those inspire some introspection on your part.  YOUR goal is to improve yourself in how or why you argue rather than improve the other person. Improving how they argue is the job of the other person.  Both of you should take it seriously.

Here is one final sort of fun or cute way to "argue".  Decide in advance that when you argue YOU HAVE TO WHISPER!!.  It is very hard to argue when whispering.  Usually it brings a little lighthearted touch into the situation and things slow down so the issue at hand can be discussed more rationally and less emotionally. WHISPER DURING AN ARGUMENT!!!! It works!!

Well, I do have one other thought that helps in BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS overall.  Concept: EVERYONE HAS A LOVE BUCKET.  You can't actually see it but they have one and they carry it with them everywhere they go.  If a person's love bucket is full they tend to be happier, more resilient, better problem solvers, argue less...and they are just more tranquil typically.  If your love bucket is half full then usually you will struggle with all those things a little more.  If you love bucket is empty....watch out!  You "feel bad, worthless, low self esteem, have more negative emotion etc" so what happens when a difficulty comes up with someone else?  You tend to go negative rather than positive.  So, ask yourself "how can I help fill the love bucket of my spouse, friend, child or someone else?"  A smile, a note of gratitude, a surprise, a gift, doing a chore for someone else in the family, playing a game, listening, saying the wordes 'I love you'...or 'thank you for trying'....saying something nice about the other person to him or her personally or about them to someone else....the list is endless...just be sensitive and "build the other person up" in some way.
And, if you get a chance, let other key people in your life know how YOUR love bucket can be filled.....be specific.

That is enough for today....never let a psychologist get too much control of your attention....they will "suggest" endlessly!!!  Have a good day. Jim