I have been a psychologist for nearly 40 years. I was thinking the other day about what the most common problems are that human beings face. Low self-esteem is one--very common to be self critical.  Being SELF EVALUATIVE is usually a good thing if not overdone but being SELF CRITICAL is tantamount to beating yourself up.  I think that is a bad idea.

I do wish more of us would expect something of ourselves...I wish we would blame others less and accept personal responsibility for the next big important step in our lives AND THEN TAKE IT.  But we tend to excuse ourselves and blame others for our personal predicaments.  I recommend that you give up doing that as it does not help you progress.  Some people prefer blaming and punishing others rather than progressing and growing. 

Forgiveness is another commonly hard thing to do.  We think if we forgive someone that we are saying "what they did to me or how they hurt me is ok now..or that it does not matter that they hurt you"....  No, that is not what forgiveness means.  Forgiveness means we finally realize that WE DO NOT KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON TO JUDGE THEM FAIRLY.  And who does know them that well?  God does so that is why he says He will judge justly and it is required of "ALL MEN" to find away to forgive.  Also forgiving takes  A HUGE BURDEN OFF YOUR SHOULDERS as you do not have to carry the anger, resentment and pain around anymore.

Here are some interesting teachings on forgiveness from Spencer W. Kimball (former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who passed away in the mid 80's).....

" A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required.  Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other.  Sometimes men get satisfactions from seeing the other party on his knees and groveling in the dust, but that is not the gospel way....
If there be misunderstandings, clear them up, forgive and forget, don't let old grievances change your souls and affect them, and destroy your love and lives.  Put your houses in order. Love one another and love your neighbors, your friends, the people who live near you, as the Lord gives this power to you."
TEACHINGS OF PRESIDENTS OF THE CHURCH: SPENCER W. KIMBALL (2006) p. 91

My "psychological thought" on all this is that when we forgive we take a huge burden off our own backs and put it down. We walk more lightly and further without emotional exhaustion. The responsibility of the offender for what happened to you is a separate matter. He/she will have to deal with the offense they committed in some way at some point in time.  That is their burden; not yours. Let them work it out in their own way. If they do not, then there is a price they will pay...but that should not have much to do with how you handle the offense that you have suffered.  Do not increase the pain and power of the offense by HANGING ON TO IT...LET IT GO....you will feel a sense of release and relief.

Jim

"I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don't set goals in our life and learn how to master the techniques of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential.  When one learns to master the principles of setting a goal, he will then be able to make a great difference in the results he attains in this life."

Elder M. Russell Ballard, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints    Oct. 18, 1981


While Sherri and I were in Chile from 2010 to 2013 we taught the missionaries to regularly ask and answer four questions:  1) Where are we?  2) Where do we want to be?  3) How do we get there?  4) How will we know when we are there?


That helps you create a pathway by which you can reach important goals.

Jim

I like to hear new ways of saying things....some of them inspire me to live differently. Try these.... If any of them inspire you to live differently---translate them into action tomorrow and send them to a friend and tell them what you did with them. Thoughts that do not become action are of less value than those that do----



Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.   Danish Proverb

CHILDREN NEED MODELS MORE THAN THEY NEED CRITICS.  Joseph Joubert

The woman is the fiber of the nation.  She is the producer of life. A nation is only as good as its women.  Muhammad Ali

Some people say that man is the most dangerous animal on the planet.  Obviously those people have never met an angry cat.  Lillian Johnson

IF ONE STRIVES TO TREAT OTHERS AS HE WOULD BE TREATED BY THEM, HE SHALL NOT FAIL TO COME NEAR THE PERFECT LIFE.  Mencius

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.   William James

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.   Anne Frank

THE DISCIPLINE OF DESIRE IS THE BACKGROUND OF CHARACTER.  John Locke

Everyone is the son/daughter of his own works.  Cervantes

Have a nice day. Jim

Over time I have had many people ask me this question "We are told that love in the home is as important as it gets...but I find that I do not know HOW TO DO IT sometimes...can you give me some suggestions on how to express love in the family and the home?"

President Gordon B Hinckley said, in 1985) "It is not an easy thing to be a parent.  There is so much of frustration, so much of worry, so much of blighted dreams and broken hopes for so very many.  I recognize, of course, that there are many homes where this is not the case, where things go smoothly, and well, where there are never raised angry voices, where there are parents who are happy and calm, and children who are faithful and grow up without serious problems.  If such be your home, be grateful....

But I assure you that there are many of the other kind, for I have received letters concerning them---letters from parents and letters from sons and daughters.  It is very easy to say that if we will do this or that, all will go well.  But I have seen conscientious men and women, people who are faithful and true, people who try to observe the teachings of the Church, who still experience broken hearts over the conduct of their children.
I know some of the answers to these problems, but I confess I do not know all of them.  Many of the problems are of our own making.  In other cases, they seem to happen notwithstanding all that we do to guard against them.,,,,,to any within the sound of my voice who have have such sons and daughters, may I suggest that you never quit trying.  They are never lost until you have given up.  Remember that it is love, more than any other thing, that will bring them back......"

Back now to the question asked of me in the first paragraph above.............these are some specific actions you can take in the spirit of building strength within your family.

1.  Write a child a love letter and mail it to them (no matter their age---5, 15, 35, 50).  Getting it in the mail adds something unique and special for your sons and daughters. Put it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and mail it to one of them in particular.

2.  Call one (or more) on their cel phone (if they are old enough to have one) and just say you are checking in, wondering how their day is going, and you just wanted to say "I love you".

3.  Get down on the living room or family room carpet and wrestle with all of them all at once,
Remember to lose the battle............
4.  Play a game with one or two of them.

5.  Take one to the store with you....and just talk about "stuff"

6.  Ask your son or daughter to teach YOU how to do something and then thank them for what they taught you.

7.  Read the scriptures with just one at a time..or maybe two.

8.  Go visit someone sick or lonely and take one or two of your children with you. Then talk afterwards about what happened and why it was important to do it.

9. If you are away on a trip, send them a candy bar in the mail...that's right..mail it to them.  They will love it and remember that it was a family tradition.

10.  Somehow and in some way COMMIT yourselves to spend some time EVERY DAY at the kitchen table eating dinner, a late night snack, reading together, chatting about the events of the day...but do it AT THE TABLE so you can see each other, pay attention to each other, and remember  you ARE A FAMILY.

OK--you can think of many similar things that are from your own creative mind. What is the common denominator here in all of these?  THE PARENT IS DOING SOMETHING DIRECTLY, REGULARLY, AND PERSONALLY WITH HIS OR HER CHILDREN IN VERY SMALL GROUPS OR, IF POSSIBLE, WITH ONE AT A TIME.

This investment is worth it...believe me...do it for a few months and then ask some of the children if they noticed anything different in the family.....listen carefully to what they say and how they say it.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN IN THE FAMILY (HOME).  Jim MacArthur

 I never used to like the idea of goal setting...because I did not follow up sufficiently to reach my goal...but now I realize it is one of the major ways of connecting today to tomorrow...and it gives me some control over how I want tomorrow to be.

"I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don't set goals in our life and learn how to master the techniques of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential. When one learns to master the principles of setting a goals, he will then be able to make a great difference in the results he attains in this life."

Elder M. Russell Ballard, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Oct 18, 1981

"Estoy plenamente convencido de que si no nos fijamos metas en nuestra vida ni aprendemos a dominar las técnicas del vivir para lograr nuestras metas, llegaremos a la vejez y miraremos hacia atras en la vida y nos daremos cuenta de que habremos logrado tan solo una pequeña porcion de nuestro pleno potenicial. Si llegamos a dominar los principios que tienen que ver con el establecimiento de metas, entonces podremos surtir una gran diferencia en los resultados que logremos en esta vida."

Elder M Russell Ballard (en español)

LA MEJOR MAÑANA SE CONSTRUYE...NO SOLO SE IMAGINA. in English:  The best tomorrow is built..not just imagined. Jim MacArthur

"It's not the load that breaks you down....it's the way you carry it."

Lou Holtz

Maybe that is why we should help each other with our loads...maybe we put some of it there?  So take off the pieces you put there and then help carry the rest. Jim

"If I am walking with two other people, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself"

CONFUCIUS

Suppose you do what it says above--and you REALLY want to make a certain change in yourself-----how can you GUARANTEE the change?  Well, you can't guarantee any change but I can tell you how you can GREATLY INCREASE THE PROBABILITIES THAT YOU WILL ACHIEVE THE CHANGE.  Do THREE THINGS:  1) Write it down (your plan for change) and 2) tell someone else that you are going to do it and give them a copy of your plan 3)  Ask that person to call you once a week and ask you how you are doing--and they should keep calling you until you tell them not too anymore.

Do those THREE things and the change you desire in yourself will be MUCH MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN.

Well, I like doing this and whether there are a few or a lot who find it helpful...I am going to stay with it.  That is what "one of my readers told me in an email"...........  :)

Many people have asked me over the years why I became a Mormon when I was 17.  Well, there were MANY reasons and maybe I will share my thoughts about some of those over time.  But ONE of the reasons why is because the "Mormons" (nickname....official name of the church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)..........could answer questions NO ONE ELSE could answer.  Here are a few:

What is Truth vs truth?

Can you tell me SPECIFICALLY the answers to these questions?  Where did I come from? Why am I here on earth? and where am I going after I die?  I want some real credible specifics about those questions.

Christians say that accepting Christ is essential----everyone has to make a decision about Christ. How can my great great great great great grandmother do that (for example) since she lived in a time and place where Christ could not be known?

What is the real purpose of COMMANDMENTS that God gives in the scriptures like the Bible?  Is he trying to "make/force" us to do certain things?

How do we know what God is like REALLY?

Will we be with our loved ones, family....after this life? How is that accomplished?

There are  about 33,000 Christian denominations world-wide that all teach different things.....does that matter?  It seems odd to me that Christ called himself THE way, truth and the light....but the teachings of Christendom are very widely different. How do we clear that up?

They could answer those questions and a zillion more..no one else could give me good answers.

In the Book of Mormon (Mormon was a prophet of God on this the American continent  a thousand years ago and he compiled the records that are now available to us as the Book of Mormon.  It testifies of the divinity of Christ as does the Bible.  They work together as two testimonies of the Savior rather than one.

Here is a great scripture from the Book of Mormon if you would like to read it:

" For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do....
And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins....
And now behold, I say unto you that the right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not; and Christ is the Holy One of Israel; wherefore ye must bow down before him, and worship him with all your might, mind, and strength, and your whole soul; and if you do this ye shall in nowise be cast out.

2 Nephi 25: 23, 26, 29

Since I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (52 years ago) I have reduced my faith in Christ as the Son of God to three things I try to remember:

1.  I accept him as my Savior and Redeemer...the Son of God and the Savior of the world

2. I am trying to read the scriptures and learn what He wants me to do (His commandments, teachings, His will regarding how we live and what we do to represent Him properly...

3.  I try to read all I can about Him so I can try to be like him in all my relationships and in all things that I do during my time on this earth.

I know there is much more but It helps me to reduce it to those three areas so that I can remember them and try to do them each day as best I can always trying to improve.

Well, I am back so I hope you find this helpful and enjoyable.  Jim

Dear friends,  due to lack of interest I will no longer be doing this blog. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted! Jim

ANGER ALMOST ALWAYS MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO FOCUS ON THE REAL ISSUES AND REAL SOLUTIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS HELP.

Anger is: self-protective, manipulative, damaging, humiliating, embarrassing, foolish if you want to have a good outcome.

The long term problem with ANGER is that eventually it attacks THE PERSON  rather than the problem at hand.  It ends up saying I DON'T LIKE YOU...rather than I AM UNHAPPY WITH THIS SITUATION.  Working on the relationship or the problem between two people is nearly impossible when anger frequently becomes part of the situation.

Anger often means you really do not have anything substantial to say--so you "run over" the other person with anger. ANGER IS A WEAPON.  BE VERY CAREFUL WITH HOW RAMPED UP IT GETS.

Anger also means you do not have a "good case"...if you have a good case you can reason with the other person because you have helpful and credible ideas and feelings to present.  But lacking that--we whip out the anger and attack using it as a weapon.

TRY THIS INSTEAD:  if you have a tense relationship with the other person---take turns expressing whatever you want to say (you can even use a time limit such as each person gets 5 minutes to start with).  After one person expresses what he/she wants to say in 5 minutes then the other person takes two minutes to try to summarize the essential message of person one.  So your goal is to listen while the other person takes his/her five minutes.  Then you switch roles and the other person takes five minutes and the listener summarizes in two minutes.

What does this accomplish?  It allows each person to state "their case" and to be "heard" without interruption. It reduces arguing since both get an equal turn and they know they will be heard without interruption.

After that you ask each other questions and answer them without interruption.  The DEAL is that you agree to keep anger under control as much as possible so YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON THE MESSAGES YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE. If you let anger back in then it becomes  "emotional hand to hand combat" and self-protection is the main outcome.  Self protection is not the ideal aim of what you are doing.....CLEAR COMMUNICATION  is the objective.  YOU TRY TO  UNDERSTAND THE OTHER PERSON'S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH THEM OR NOT.

Try to be DIRECT, HONEST, AND CLEAR in your communication...but leave out the heavy emotion (some emotion is OK but heavy emotion usually clouds the issue) as much as you can...because you will both understand each other better if you do.

Your goal in problem solving and good communication is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING RATHER THAN WINNING OR BEING VICTORIOUS OVER THE OTHER PERSON.

Parenting is often a challenging job.  There is no handbook given to us when we become parents.  All we have is what we have seen at home (good or bad) and, to some degree, what we see in homes/families we may visit from time to time.
I am an "observer" so I like to try to notice how people run their families and pick up some good ideas I can use in my own home--but I have to be looking for them in order to notice them.

For example, I know one family that kneels and holds hands while they pray each night before bedtime.  They like that tradition.  Anything GOOD you can make into a tradition is going to pay off in the long run.  Some hug after prayer.  Some come home after school and eat cookies and milk and talk to their parents for awhile--or they do that before bed.  It creates a SPACE in time when you are together during the day and can talk and share.  Too many families are never together in one place on a regular basis.  And during that special time the agreement needs to be that everyone does their best to promote a good, supportive atmosphere.  Traditions create a feeling of "family"...what traditions do you have?  Have you seen others you would like to  have in your family?  Talk about one or two and start working on them.

So, because parenting is a tough job at times I want to say a word about BOUNDARIES.  I have been a psychologist for 40 years.  I have done a lot of marriage counseling as well.  I taught marriage and family at Brigham Young University for a number of years.  I have given many talks and presentations on family life and relationships, and Sherri and I raised ten children who are now 32 to 45-----I say that to set the stage for what I will say next:  People ask me all the time what are my greatest concerns about the current American family.  There are several but one of the big ones is THE UNWILLINGNESS OF PARENTS TO SET REASONABLE BOUNDARIES AND RULES IN THE HOME AND FAMILY.

I am not sure what the reason is for why we avoid this topic.  Some parents want the APPROVAL of their children more than the OBEDIENCE of their children.  You can have both!  It is not necessary to choose between them.  Research shows that children who have appropriate boundaries set by their parents are children who like and appreciate their parents more.  Children and youth do not like weak parents who won't set standards and rules to guide the family and relationships within the family.
Parents can present new rules or standards in FAMILY HOME EVENING once a week and ask the children to express their feelings about them so that everyone is together on what will be implemented.  HOWEVER, this is not a "voting session"...If the children want to "vote down" an important family standard or rule---they must understand that the final decision belongs to the PARENTS. That is why there are parents.  They are responsible for the well-being of the family and ALWAYS assume final responsibility for how the family is run.
But standards and rules ALWAYS  work better if the whole family comes to an understanding and agreement on them.  So, talk it over and answer questions and build a team agreement in the family.

There are also "personal boundaries" with the children that greatly affect how you influence your children.  For instance..many parents ASK their children if it is OK if the child does a certain thing like not outside right now or cleaning their room, for example.  The conversation goes like this:  "No, Chris, I do not want you to go out and play right now....OK?"  The OK on the end can create a problem.  It is like saying "Here is what I want you to do--is that OK?  I only want you to do what I am saying if you approve and are OK with it."  Parents will say "that is NOT what I mean when I say..."OK?"  Possibly but many children interpret it as the child being in charge of what happens next rather than the parent.
It is even worse if you say "I do not want you to go outside right now...OK?"  and the child looks at you, brushes past you and goes outside anyway!  If that happens in too many cases then the child comes to understand that HE/SHE is really in charge of how each of those situations turns out..NOT you as the parent.  If they brush past you and go outside anyway or you tell them they need to clean their room first and they just head outside...then the BIG LESSON learned by the child is I CAN BE IN CHARGE WHENEVER I WANT TO.  If this becomes a common occurrence in the parent/child relationship then over and over the child OVERRIDES the parent.  Ask yourself why that is not a good thing......
Why do children have parents?  Because parents are more experienced, mature, and can structure family life so that children learn the most important lessons of life.  THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN AT HOME.  Children should be included in discussions and planning and problem solving in the family--it is their family, too.  BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT IF THE FEELING IN THE AIR IS NOT THAT THE PARENTS ARE THE FINAL DECISION MAKERS AND ARE IN CHARGE---problems will inevitably result. So, you have a family council and talk over family rules and family standards and once all the "input" is received from the children then the parents announce what the new rule or standard will be and ask for the support of the family.  Hopefully, you can explain the new direction and "win them over" so that everyone moves ahead in unity.  But if not---you still are in charge and must implement whatever you feel is best for all.

I had a mom tell me once "I tell my son what I expect or want him to do and he just walks away..." I asked, "What do you do then?"  She said...."I just shrug my shoulders and ask myself---what can I do, he just won't listen to me."  Here is my core question in such a situation--"WHO IS IN CHARGE IN SUCH SITUATIONS--THE PARENT OR THE CHILD?"  It is the child.   Again, children are participants and should feel they are a very important part of family discussions, planning for vacations, discussions on how the family will work best and a host of things.  They feel more important and valued if they are part of working up how things are going to happen in the family.  BUT WHO HAS THE FINAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING?  The parents and they must not give up that important responsibility.
All of this is done in love...don't use anger or intimidation...Be CLEAR on what is going to happen...ask for COOPERATION....respected parents are more often followed by the children...not always..but much more often.  Be strong; not weak.  YOU ARE THE FAMILY DIRECTORS AND THE FAMILY TEACHERS.  I think you will do a good job of it.
If something does not work out very well--talk to other parents and seek advice...but stay in charge..you are the captains of the family ship.

Parents are not dictators...but they must CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOME WHICH "FEELS" LIKE THE COMPETENT PARENTS ARE IN CHARGE.  You are the leaders in the family.
Always remember--these are just my opinions.  Talk them over with your spouse, children or other parents....it is your family and you can run it according to your own preferences and values,  Jim

So I read all kinds of books...at least I have been since I retired from BYU and returned from our mission to Chile 8 months ago......... I just read an easy, short one called LIVE and LEARN and PASS IT ON (people ages 5 to 95 share what they've discovered about lots of good stuff)...

Today I thought I would share a few thoughts from that book that I liked...probably more will be coming in the future....some are funny and some are serious.

from a man 51 years old............ "I've learned that there are four ages of men: 1) when you believe in Santa Claus 2) when you don't believe in Santa Claus 3) when you are Santa Claus 4) when you look like Santa Claus"

from someone 79 years old "I've learned you can't tell how far a frog can jump just by looking at him"

someone 81  "I've learned that self-pity is a waste of time"

someone 39  "I've learned that I am quick to count others' offenses against me, but seldom think what others suffer because of me"

from a child age 5 "I've learned that goldfish don't like Jell-O"

from a child age 7 "I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda at the same time, it will come out your nose."

from a teen age 16  "I've learned that it's fun and satisfying to write in my journal the good things that happen to me every day."

from someone 39  "I've learned that the more a child feels valued, the better his values will be."

Let me know if you want more of these.........  sparky7264@gmail.com  

Have a nice day....do something nice for someone...it will help both of you............

Here is a thought that you can think about all day today and all day tomorrow and still it will make you think even more.................



All eternity is affected by how we deal with those who mistreat us.

Start thinking and let me know what you come up with..................  Jim MacArthur

Some years ago David Lawrence McKay (son of President David O. McKay) shared a story about his grandchildren at bedtime.  Grandpa was given the privilege of helping with prayers.  The three year old knelt at Lawrence's knee and began the precious ritual.  When the simple, earnest prayer was over, the child remained kneeling and silent. Unusual!  Most scramble into life again with demands for stuffed toys, bedtime stories, drinks of water, and yet another goodnight kiss. Not this one.  The silence persisted until Grandpa questioned why the child didn't pop into bed.
S-H-H-H, Grandfather. I AM LISTENING!

Ah-ah!  And shouldn't listening be part of all communication?  Particularly with Heavenly Father. Such lessons the little ones can teach.

"No one will change your world faster than you if you do not excuse yourself from the effort and challenge.  Step one is a goal...step two is to watch what happens as you seek to achieve the goal....step three is to not quit...do not expect the journey to be smooth or easy..probably won't be.  When you get somewhere with all this...you will like it. Achieving one goal related to desired personal changes is only part of the trip...make many more over time...and congratulate yourself for giving each one a try....improvement is awesome."

Jim MacArthur