STRIVE NOT TO BE A SUCCESS BUT RATHER TO BE OF VALUE. 

Albert Einstein

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act but a habit."

Aristotle

Thought for the day...........troubled lives also have repetition in them..but undesirable repetition.
In my practice in psychotherapy (until I retired after 35 years) my clients, as they became more and more motivated to change...would ask me what they could DO to facilitate change.

I often responded with...."let's talk about that...but once you decide on what you want to do differently I recommend you do that thing many times in one week...and then see if you are moving towards change. If so,  then do it many times the next week as well.  Over time you become more and more motivated by the change you see in yourself. You realize change, often in stages...is still possible."

example-----if you want to improve a relationship with someone then DO SOMETHING FOR THAT PERSON A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF TIMES IN ONE WEEK.  See how it turns out. 

Probably all of us have people in our lives we greatly admire and we wish we had some of the personal characteristics they have.  When I was in my private practice in counseling psychology I had a number of occasions when I helped people identify those admired people in their lives and we even went so far as to identify the personal characteristics those people had SO THAT MY CLIENTS COULD WORK day by day at acquiring more and more of those desired characteristics.
For that reason, since today is my wife's birthday...I would like to write a historical tribute to her mostly for our children (it is good that they hear these things from their mother's husband...in this case, it is me...Sherri's husband).  I write this because she is an amazing person who comes from an amazing background and her clear life mission is very impressive.  Here goes:

Sharol Linden McUne (Sherri) was born Dec. 28, 1942 in Richmond, CA where her father worked in the ship yards during WWII.  She is one of four children born to Hal R and Linden Ida Knight McUne.  She is the second child with an elder brother and a younger sister and brother.
She always went by Sherri.  Her family had very little speaking of possessions and income.  So her father and mother decided to take over the family ranch in Burns, Oregon when Sherri was very young--around 5 years old.  To "make this happen" required that her family go to the ranch property and see if there was a way to live on it.  Upon arrival, investigating the land that made up the ranch 12 miles outside of town (Burns) they found an old building made of wood. It was just sitting in a field...empty...no windows....nothing inside.   They hooked up an old tractor to this "dwelling" and pulled it over under some trees closer to the road from town that passed by.
From there they began to clean it up and make it ready for the family to live in. No running water, no indoor plumbing, no electricity....just a wood dwelling.
Sherri grew up there and in another ranch house built later which also did not have running water, electricity or indoor plumbing until Sherri was off to college.  They would pump water from an outside well (Sherri did lots of this) and she remembers one day she and her brothers pumped water from the well at 35 below zero.
Her father would heat up a stone in the wood stove and wrap it in a cloth to put at their feet during the winter when they went to bed.  This hopefully would help them have some warmth long enough to go to sleep.
She tells of going up on the ridge above the ranch house to play musical instruments with her sister Sheila...and of climbing a tree outside the ranch house which bothered her mother so much that she just closed the curtains so she could not see how high they climbed!

In 1961 she was off to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.  She was very excited about getting a university education as that was uncommon in her extended family.  She attended three years and then left to become a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka  "the Mormons") in the country of Chile.  She learned Spanish and served there for 27 months.  She then returned to BYU where she completed a degree in English and Spanish.  The day after she graduated she married James David MacArthur in the Manti Temple of the Church.  Over the course of their lives together they have had ten children: Toran, David, Paul, Mike, Lindi, Lori, Don, Debbie, Mark, and Sharolyn (in order of birth).  Lindi/Lori and Don/Debbie are twins so Sherri had two sets of twins in 23 months....and at that point Sherri had 8 children with the oldest being just seven years old.  Eventually there were 9 under 9 and 10 under 12.  At another point Sherri had eight teenagers at the same time and eight in college at the same time during several semesters.
With all those small children to care for Sherri still found time to write her own commentary on the Book of Mormon as a gift for her children.  It took a number of years and is some 200 pages long.  She wrote down her own ideas and feelings about the entire 500+ pages of the Book of Mormon. A bound copy was eventually given to each of her children as a token of her love for them and her desire for them to receive the teachings of their mother by studying what she had written.
She has dedicated her intelligence (she is VERY bright), her spirituality, her patience and kindness and her love and concern to her ten children and her family.  She could have done many other things but she WANTED to be with her children and teach them herself by precept and example.  It was about them and not her.  She almost never complained and felt very blessed to be THEIR mother. She realizes others have other careers but this was the one she personally chose.

A number of years ago we had a special HONOR OUR MOTHER NIGHT in November of that year so that it did not coincide with any holidays or birthdays etc....it was just a special day to honor her.  Each of her children and her husband wrote a special letter of love and honor to her---we bound the letters and gave them to her in a book. We spent the evening with her children and Jim showing their gratitude for all she had done for all of us.

In 2010 Jim and Sherri were asked to leave their home in Orem, Utah  and go to another country (Chile) to preside over a mission of the Church for three years.  Since she had been a young missionary in Chile in 1965 she was thrilled to go back but it was hard for her to leave her children and grandchildren.  Sherri is the grandmother of 40 grandchildren now.  The oldest is 16. She dearly loves all the missionaries we worked with from 2010 to 2013 in the Chile Rancagua Mission of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  They are like her own children to her....
She is a private person, fairly quiet..unassuming....does not like attention drawn to her (I will probably be in trouble for writing this and putting it on Facebook....) and is a woman of perfect integrity.  She lives what she believes.  She tries to be a good example for her children.  They all know there is no one else quite like their mom.
She is a student of the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.  She is Christ-like in all she does.  She is steadfast....she knows who she is and where she is going and nothing will knock her off track regarding her values, beliefs and commitments.
In closing let me describe one experience that will give you an insight into her and how she lives---when we had the eight children and the oldest was 7 (and the youngest four were two sets of twins ages 2 and brand new)...I came home from work one day to find this----Sherri in a rocking chair with the older twins on her knees and the two baby twins in her arms. So four with her...the other four known as "the older boys" were playing on the living room carpet nearby.  She looked up at me and smiled as I came in the door.  To her, she was doing what a mother does to care for, teach, love and guide her children.
I honestly believe that her contribution to the world having given birth to and raised her ten children..who are all wonderful people...is a far greater and longer lasting gift to her community and nation than any other type of career she could have chosen instead. Mother is the name of her chosen career.  You can know Sherri McUne MacArthur by one word and that is "selfless".
Today is her birthday and I am putting this tribute to her on my blog so all of you can know the person that I married and my children and grandchildren call "mom and Grandma Sherri"..She is awesome.  Jim MacArthur

It is inspiring and a good reminder to me that we give and receive gifts as a remembrance of the gifts given to Christ at his birth (at least that is where the tradition started...it is carried on now by many for their own reasons, of course).   We live in a world where RECEIVING has become so important. Nothing wrong with receiving especially if we do it with GRATITUDE and it inspires us to become GIVERS. No one can be a receiver without a giver.
WE NEED MORE GIVERS.  We need people who really like to give.
I think a great way of giving is to give KINDNESS. Do several acts of kindness in the next few days and then share your experience on Facebook. Not to brag but to inspire more acts of kindness. YOU can kick off an epidemic of kindness giving......egos fade, pride fades...selfishness gets less and selflessness is encouraged............MERRY CHRISTMAS.  Jim MacArthur

MY GREATEST CONCERN IS NOT WHETHER YOU HAVE FAILED, BUT WHETHER YOU ARE CONTENT WITH YOUR FAILURE.

A. LINCOLN

I have seen many people in my profession who walk slowly in chains that they have carried far too long..often since their childhood.  They are chained to their past...feeling they cannot escape the effects of it.  DO NOT BE OWNED BY YOUR PAST....INSTEAD LEARN FROM YOUR PAST AND THEN MOVE AHEAD WITH GREATER KNOWLEDGE AND SELF INSIGHT.
Once we reach a certain age of adulthood....not only CAN we drop off the chains..but WE MUST DROP OFF THE CHAINS.  IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY THEN  TO MOVE AHEAD FREE OF THOSE ENTANGLEMENTS.  IF WE DO, WE GROW MORE AND SERVE MORE CAPABLY.  Jim MacArthur

Quotes from thoughtful people inspire me to think and learn:



No one has ever become poor by giving.

Anne Frank


Your attitude is either the lock on, or the key to, the door of success.

Dennis Waitely

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Mahatma Gandhi

 If you would like to think about some important ideas...keep reading.

GOD HAS INFINITE ATTENTION TO SPARE FOR EACH ONE OF US. YOU ARE AS MUCH ALONE WITH HIM AS IF YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE HE HAD EVER CREATED.

CS LEWIS

THE HOMEMAKER HAS THE ULTIMATE CAREER.   ALL OTHER CAREERS EXIST FOR ONE PURPOSE ONLY AND THAT IS TO SUPPORT THE ULTIMATE CAREER.

CS LEWIS 

I have not posted anything for awhile as I am not sure if anyone is interested in these little thoughts that I have from time to time.  But I will continue for awhile and see how it goes. It is fun to think about these things so I hope they are of some benefit to others.  Jim MacArthur



Here is something I have taught for years:   "You DO NOT HAVE TO BE PUT TOGETHER PERFECTLY.....so do not have to overcome all your deficits, problems, or weaknesses...... IN ORDER TO REACH OUT AND HELP OTHERS IN A VERY POWERFUL WAY.  As a matter of fact, in my many years of work as a psychologist I have had numerous people tell me that they actually learn MORE from those who struggle to overcome their own weaknesses because they seem to have a certain empathy...a deeper understanding of the difficulties of others.  Perhaps it is because they, too, have traveled or are still traveling a challenging road in life.  So they "get it" when you talk and share and reach out for some help.  They are more "in tune" with the steps you are trying to take.

So, rather than be depressed or lamenting the challenges of your past....turn them into advantages by using them to augment your personal wisdom and increasing your ability to empathize with and reach out to others to strengthen them in their moments of need.
Those who have been "soldiers" on the battlefields of life....can walk with you knowingly and with deeper understanding of the battles you are fighting as well.  Therefore, your own challenges in life can make you smarter and wiser and can equip you with that which you need to walk with those who are struggling. You put your arm around them and help them walk...but you do it in a different way due to your own experiences which now are your teachers."

IT IS IN THE FLAMES OF DIFFICULTY THAT THE TEMPERED STEEL OF FAITH IS FORGED. EASE DOES NOT CALL FORTH GREATNESS.

Joseph Fielding McConkie
Robert Millet
DOCTRINAL COMMENTARY ON THE BOOK OF MORMON
vol. 1, page 154

OK---I gave you a little time to answer the question WHAT DOES THE WORLD/OUR NATION NEED MOST RIGHT NOW?

I also shared some ideas on that question but now I will tell you what I really think will make the biggest difference RIGHT NOW.  This is something YOU can do RIGHT NOW. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT.

This won't surprise you but maybe the accompanying challenge will help you take a step forward.

ROUGHLY HALF OF OUR US MARRIAGES FAIL AND A HIGHER PERCENTAGE OF SECOND MARRIAGES FAIL AS COMPARED WITH FIRST MARRIAGES (generally due to the complex matter of dealing with blended families).  What our world needs desperately is stronger marriages and stronger families and this takes focus and work.

GOOGLE THIS QUESTION "What are the major characteristics of children of divorce?" To study the answer to that question can be very motivating in deciding to strengthen your marriage and your family.  I realize marriages often fail for very complex reasons .  My interest here is not blame. My interest here is to help husbands/wives/parents/children understand WHY marriages typically fail.  If we study this question (you can google a ton of information on this anytime) and have the courage to ASK OURSELVES "Given the typical reasons why marriages fail---what do I NEED TO DO (not what does my spouse need to do--that is a totally separate question) to strengthen my marriage and/or my family?

I like the number 3.  It works with all kinds of questions.  Example:  What are MY 3 greatest weaknesses in my marriage? What are my 3 greatest strengths in MY marriage?  If BOTH of you are willing to answer those questions and share your answers with your husband or wife I am almost sure  you will both learn something.  THEN COMES THE CRUCIAL QUESTION----based on the answers to those two questions WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP? Your choice of the next step must be unilaterally your choice.  If you make doing it contingent on whether or not your husband or wife does his or hers--won't work nearly as well.

OK--so if you want to see courage in action I, JAMES D MACARTHUR, WILL ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS HERE AND NOW AND WILL THEN TELL YOU WHAT MY NEXT STEP WILL BE.  And remember that I have been married for 45 years.

My three weaknesses in MY marriage.  (You can't believe I am actually doing this publicly, can you?)

1. My own mental health is a big factor.  I have been somewhat depressed and filled with anxiety as long as I can remember.  I do not blame anyone for my condition but I feel semi defeated by this situation quite often.
2. Too often I am more concerned with ME than with her.  I want my needs met first.  Sometimes when I think I am not being self centered--I actually am but I am denying it.
3. I am kind of impatient. Not as bad as I used to be but it still is a barrier that blocks my pathway to becoming how I REALLY want to be.

My three strengths in my marriage.

1.  My values are crystal clear to me.  I know what is most important to me...my religion and my family are at the top of the list.  I try to make every major decisions a FAMILY DECISION...meaning that if I go down road A, B, or C  WHICH will have the most positive impact on my wife and family?
2. I try to fight against my negative self and set a good example.  I struggle to win my own personal battles within myself much more than anyone else realizes.  I am quite aware when I lose.  I am aware of how my "losing" affects the people I love most.
3. I try to have a positive impact on others as often as I can. I try to think about how I affect others--whether it be in the grocery store, at church, at home, when I am alone.  It is interesting to note that how we are privately (when alone) can have a huge impact on our marriage and our family.

WHAT IS MY NEXT STEP?  I need to get more feedback from those who know me to see whether I am going in a profitable direction or not.  I need to have the courage to ask for help when I need it.  I am 68 years old but I must not let my own ego needs get in the way of making needed changes so my wife and family are benefitted.  This will require that I be more open and honest with others and myself. It requires humility.

OK....that is a quick demo on how the two "3 questions" open up self understanding that may be crucial for you and your family.  And THE NEXT STEP is immensely crucial.  It means you have learned and understood and you are going to DO something rather than just sit and think.  Keep asking for feedback in humility.

So if I strengthen myself then I have more to offer to my wife and children and now grandchildren.  That is what I want.  Have a nice day.

WHAT YOU CONSCIOUSLY BUILD WITHIN YOURSELF MAY BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU CAN GIVE AS IT IS A GIFT THAT GOES FAR BEYOND DEC. 25.

As I was listening to the news today I wondered how various of you would answer the question-- What does the world need most right now?
I pondered that for awhile and  came up with various answers.  I will share one of my thoughts with you today.

One is that we desperately need people who have a high degree of personal integrity.  What they say and what they do match--maybe not perfectly but to a high degree.  And we need people who present the children of our nation and the world with GOOD, TRUSTWORTHY, INSPIRING EXAMPLES which they demonstrate by how they live every day.  When we "see them in action" in their every day lives we feel as if we want to say "I wish my children could be around that person and see their example."

Along with what I have said above I wanted to share a statement about mothers and fathers.

SOME OF US ARE FORTUNATE  ENOUGH TO EXPERIENCE THE IMAGE AND EXAMPLE OF MOTHERS AND FATHERS WHO ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL BEING OF THEIR CHILDREN.
CHILDREN WHO HAVE THE BLESSING OF HAVING SUCH MOTHERS AND FATHERS HOPEFULLY FEEL A SINCERE GRATITUDE FOR THEIR SIMPLE YET PROFOUND EXAMPLES AND SACRIFICES.
WE HAVE A GREAT NEED IN THIS WORLD FOR GOOD AND HONORABLE LEADERS.  BUT THE PLACE WHERE WE MUST HAVE STRONG AND DETERMINED LEADERSHIP IS IN OUR HOMES--SUCH LEADERSHIP IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF EACH MOTHER AND EACH FATHER.

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving with your family and friends and that the Christmas holidays bring some time for relaxing, pondering, being with family and friends, and serving others.

I have been a psychologist for some 35 years and it is very clear to me that those who serve others are mentally healthier because all the focus is not on them and they are much less apt to become self-centered and overly self-concerned.

During the Thanksgiving weekend I came across several thoughts that each taught me something and helped me do some healthy introspection.

Here they are:

ONE DAY YOU'LL BE JUST A MEMORY FOR SOME PEOPLE.  DO YOUR BEST TO BE A GOOD ONE.
(I remember when I was a bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the late 80's... often when I went to the hospital to visit sick church members or to their homes to comfort or assist them in some way...I would quite often take some of my children with me.  First, I wanted them to remember me (when I am "just a memory") as having placed a high value on serving others.  And next, I knew they too would be much happier if they were more SELFLESS than selfish.  Now that they are all adults themselves many of them have remarked that they remember going with me to visit people who needed extra help.

I wrote in an earlier posting that THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN IN THE FAMILY (OR IN THE HOME)....I do believe that the greatest school on earth is the home and the parents are the teachers and mentors.  At least, they should be.  So the parent who carries into the home a certain negativity, criticalness, or mean spirit...one who argues and brings out the worst in other family members...does great harm in the most important school in the world....the family. Avoid being such a harmful influence in your home and family.
For that reason I like this next thought-----
IMPROVE YOUR ARGUMENT, RATHER THAN RAISE YOUR VOICE. IT IS THE RAIN THAT MAKES THE FLOWERS GROW, NOT THE THUNDER.

Finally, my suggestion on an early Christmas gift that you can give in your family and among friends and others around you is the gift of COURTESY and THOUGHTFULNESS.  It seems to me that people are less courteous and thoughtful of others today than when I was growing up in the late 40's, 50's and 60's.  In any event, I would like to suggest an experiment.  Spend ONE DAY emphasizing courtesy much more than you usually do.  Say "thank you and please" more often.  Get a little more outside yourself and do thoughtful things for those in your family or for co-workers and friends.  Here are a couple of real life examples my adult children have shown me recently:  One son was watching his sister-in-law caring for another sister-in-law's new baby.  She seemed a little tired so my son (age 41) got up and went over to take the baby observing.... "you look like you need someone to help you with that little one..."  It was a very thoughtful thing to do.  Another daughter, who had to be at work every morning at 8:30 am found that her supervisor had to open up the business and prepare things every morning at 5:30 am.  So our daughter told her she would come every morning and help her get ready for the day...no need for extra pay...she expressed that "she just wanted to help out."

Once a week send a note of gratitude to someone to express your thankfulness for something they did for you...even if it was long ago.  Sometimes it is best to sign your name and other times it may be best to be anonymous.  Well, COURTESY and THOUGHTFULNESS are key words that help us remember that, at times, the world is a tough place to live in and anything any of us can do to lift the spirits of others....is a gift of the heart.

Jimbomac   aka "Grandpa Sparky"   aka Jim MacArthur

HOME IS WHERE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN

James MacArthur, 1994

"I feel satisfied that there is no adequate substitute for the morning and evening practice of kneeling together---father,  mother, and children.  This, more than soft carpets, more than lovely draperies, more than cleverly balanced color schemes, is the thing that will make for better and more beautiful homes....I know of nothing that will so much help to ease family tensions, that in a subtle way will bring about the respect for parents which leads to obedience, that will affect the spirit of repentance which will largely erase the blight of broken homes, than will praying together, confessing weaknesses together before the Lord, and invoking the blessings of the Lord upon the home and those who dwell there.
Can we make our homes more beautiful?  Yes, through addressing ourselves as families to the Source of all true beauty.  Can we strengthen society and make it a better place in which to live? Yes, by strengthening the virtue of our family through kneeling together and supplicating the Almighty in the name of His Beloved Son.
This practice, a return to family worship, spreading across the land and over the earth, would in a generation largely lift the blight that is destroying us. It would restore integrity, mutual respect, and a spirit of thankfulness in the hearts of people."

Gordon B. Hinckley
President, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
ENSIGN, Feb. 1991

A few thoughts of my own after reading President Hinckley's thoughts----
I thought of the times all twelve of us were racing around the house at 7 am trying to find shoes, books, sign notes for the teacher, making lunches.....confusion.  Then, according to our family agreement, we stopped...knelt down together in our living room, and prayed together before we all went our separate ways.  The confusion mostly stopped....we felt good....better anyway.  To hear one of our children pray for all of us in the family was heartwarming.  To pray for each child by name..Toran, David, Paul, Mike, Lindi, Lori, Don, Debbie, Mark, Sharolyn...made each one feel loved and cared about.  And as parents we prayed for ourselves as those finally responsible for the well being of the family.  And, over time, through all our difficulties, trials, challenges...sometimes taking us very low.. we felt the guiding and healing hand.... the loving hand of He who teaches us through our daily life experiences. We knew we were in the Earth School....and  were trying to learn and grow together and hold hands as we walked the many miles of mortal education before us.  But through it all......we tried to faithfully remember that there were not many things that would help us start and end each day with the strength to go on more than to pray together as a family.  For children to hear their mom or dad pray for them tenderly and lovingly is a gift to each child that is precious.  And to hear each child take his or her turn to address God, the father of us all....is priceless.

That is one thought I hope will be of value to anyone who reads this....I can honestly say that, after raising ten children to adulthood.....the practice of kneeling and praying together really helped us. When we did not take the time to do it...we noticed a difference.  That day we had forgotten one of our greatest family assets---family prayer.  I always love to hear my children, and now grandchildren...pray.  It gives me confidence in the path they are traveling as they are asking for our Heavenly Father's hand to be upon each step they take.

Jim MacArthur

I LIVED AFTER GETTING A D IN GEOMETRY!

Hello!!!  This is my very first blog.  My daughter in law Jennifer Carter MacArthur actually set it up for me as I am "technologically impaired."  Thank you, Jenni.

So, why am I doing this?  I once wrote a full length book EVERYDAY PARENTS RAISING GREAT KIDS---published by Deseret Book in 2004.  I wrote it because I wanted to share my ideas on functional families learned almost totally by my own experience as a parent and grandparent. I also wrote it for my children so they could see my ideas in print and see if they would inspire my children to create their own  ideas about healthy parenting.  I grew up in a troubled family and as I became a father myself I realized I had never seen a healthy family up close.  So I actually went and talked to a number of people who, in my opinion, had fairly healthy families. I wanted to ask them questions and see if I could learn how to be a good parent despite my difficult childhood.  I made plenty of mistakes as a young parent but learned a lot over the years.  I decided I wanted to share my parenting ideas and see how people reacted to them--so I wrote the 300 page book.  It was a fascinating experience to write a book since I had never attempted anything like that before.  Getting it published was a great moment in my adult life as I really did not think I could do it.  A number of years before I wrote the book I coined a phrase that has been on the wall of our home for probably 30 plus years now------HOME IS WHERE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN.

Also, I have been a licensed psychologist for 35 years and my many clients have taught me a great deal. I would like to share some of those ideas, too.  I have done a lot of public speaking sharing my ideas on mental health, family, personal growth and development and many other topics that relate to the topic of  "people."
I love questions. Answering questions helps us learn from each other.  I am interested in almost anything other than math.  Math and I do not get along.  I got a D in geometry in high school.  So none of my blogs will deal with math--but they will deal with almost everything else. I do not think I am smarter than you are.  Quite to the contrary.  I just like to learn and I like to share what I have learned.  So, my blogs will not be "battlegrounds".....but rather they will be "classrooms" where I will write something and invite you to think about it and even respond with your own ideas if you would like to do so. I hope to see you on the road called BLOGS RD...take care. Jim MacArthur  oh and my nickname is "Sparky"....in case you are interested.