Some years ago I made a list of THE CHARACTERISTICS OF FUNCTIONAL FAMILIES based upon my 30+ years of experience in working with individuals and families in therapy.  By sharing these with you I again invite you to evaluate the status of each of these in your family by using the ten scale.  If you have lots of the functional family characteristic listed then you put a number closer to ten. If you do not have much of that particular characteristic then you select a lower number closer to 0.  You can then get together with your family members and work out a plan to improve the areas that are weakest and need the most help.

CHARACTERISTICS OF FUNCTIONAL (HEALTHY) FAMILIES:

1. The family is not perfect and they accept that as OK.
2. Problems are openly faced and solved together.
3. Parents are not casual about the progress of their family--the intentionally parent--meaning they are proactive and work regularly at improving their family.
4. Unconditional love exists in the family. Other privileges in the family are conditional but love is too essential for it to be conditional.  You can take away the car keys but do not take away love.
5. All members of the family have a well understood shared vision of the purpose and goals of the family.
6. All family members participate in helping everyone in the family feel: important, valuable, worthwhile and significant.
7. Parents exhibit strong and confident leadership.
8. The family has confidence in the Gospel and they strive to live it together.
9. The mother and father each have clearly defined roles in the leadership and functioning of the family and they are accountable to each other for their performance.
10. Righteousness underlies family strength.
11. The family has fun together.
12. Parents have passion for their work as parents.
13. Relationships are highly valued in the family and family members work to strengthen them.
14.There is a lot of mutual support for each other and each other's activities.
15. Members are willing to sacrifice for each other.
16.The family is not rigid in its functioning but has a certain degree of flexibility.
17. The atmosphere of the home is inviting, upbeat, not negative and oppressive.  There is low stress and little negative talk and criticism.
18. Parents are physically and psychologically present.
19. The family feels like a "safe haven from the storm of the world"....there is emotional safety there.
20. Family members feel a desire to "do well in the world" but are not "driven to succeed" by fear of losing family or parental acceptance and approval.
21. Parents do not heavily "control" their children.  Children are guided but not controlled.  They are given autonomy "as they merit it".  However, this does not mean the parents are wimps who do not exhibit clear and definite leadership where in they teach their children how to live well and effectively in the world.
22. There is emotional openness in the family.  Members talk and share a lot.  Family members can laugh at themselves and give and receive feedback.
24. The family does NOT feel a need to present a flawless public image.  They can openly admit their weaknesses and imperfections.
25. Appropriate physical affection is part of family life.
26. Family communication is open, honest, considerate and NOT humiliating, belittling, overly aggressive or negative in tone.
27.  There is a team feeling in the family.  "We are in this together" is the family theme. All members of the family help to accomplish the work of the family including chores.
28. The family is considered a "workshop" where "healthy people are built".  It is a SCHOOL where imperfect people live and learn together. It is the GOSPEL SCHOOL where parents directly and indirectly  teach their children the Gospel.  It is a place of hope that only comes, the the final analysis, through Christ being at the Center of home life. 

I hope you find this help to review in a family home evening or family council where everyone can give their feedback on how the family is doing on each characteristic.  The spirit of the discussion should not be negative or critical---but it should be positive and based upon a common desire to improve the family.  Have a nice day.  Jim

"There is no third possibility: love is either conditional or unconditional.  Either I attach conditions to my love for you or I do not.  To the extent that I do attach such conditions, I do not really love you.  I am only offering an exchange, not a gift.  And true love is and must always be a free gift.
The gift of my love means this: I want to share with you whatever I have that is good.  You did not win a contest or prove yourself worthy of this gift.  It is not a question of deserving my love."

John Powell
Unconditional Love, page 65

As a clarification....in life there are MANY things that ARE conditional---but love should not be one of them.  Jesus loved the vilest of sinners...but he could not always bless them as blessings are "predicated upon obedience to law" (laws of heaven).   The privilege of driving a car is conditional....getting paid at work is conditional....respect is conditional.....being trusted by others is conditional....having good health is conditional.......there are MANY MANY THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE CONDITIONAL AND WE MUST MEET THE SET REQUIREMENTS IN ORDER TO HAVE ANY DEGREE OF THOSE THINGS...

But LET US NOT MAKE LOVE CONDITIONAL...it is too essential to be conditional.  Let us give it freely--especially to those where it might be quite difficult for us to offer it due to the difficulty of the situation or relationship.
The story of the Prodigal Son is a classic regarding love being unconditional......he really did not "deserve" it but his father opened his arms to him anyway.
Jesus loves us even when we do not deserve it.  "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God (D&C 18:10-11)...worth is not conditional either.  But he cannot fully bless us if we are unwilling to obey Him.
Conditional aspects are real.  Unconditional aspects are much less in number...but they do exist and they seem to be essential. Identify them and do them and bless your own life and the lives of many others.
You may have a son or daughter who has broken the family rules in a major way...so he or she cannot have the privilege of going out with friends for three days (going out with friends is a conditional aspect of family living based upon obedience to family rules)...but you can still take your son or daughter or for an ice cream and just say "I did not want you to forget that I always love  you....I am just trying to help you learn that in our world of today there are rules and expectations we must learn to obey...while you are learning that lesson...just remember that the imposition of consequences does not mean the withdrawal of love."   Have a nice day. Jim

 

Trust and accountability........I remember hearing President Hinckley speak to the students at Brigham Young University on that topic in 1992.

I had always believed trust was very important in everything we do. I also felt accountability was equally important.  But, until then, I had not tied them together as clearly as President Hinckley did.

If you want to have an interesting experience---write down the names of the three people who you feel you can trust most at this point in your life and why.  Then write down the names of three you feel you cannot trust adequately and why.  I will assure you that that exercise will teach you a lot about trust.
Now, here is my request---write down the names of the people in your life who count on you to be trustworthy.  Then use my favorite ten scale to assess how much they can actually trust you.  For example, write down the names of those in your family and next to each name put a ten scale score on how much each of them can trust you.

Example:
I have ten children (all adults now).......... below are their names...the space before each name is so I can put a ten scale score on how much I feel they can trust me.  The number is based on everything I know about myself at this point in my life.

___Toran
___David
___Paul
___Mike
___Lindi
___Lori
___Don
___Debbie
___Mark
___Sharolyn
___Sherri (my wife)

If the number is closer to 0 that means you believe that person really can't trust  you much.  If it is closer to 10 then you feel they can trust you a lot.
If you are really gutsy...you can then ask them how much they trust you and see how their number matches yours!!!  Actually, you can do this exercise with any human characteristic you want to evaluate in yourself.  Patience,  being loving,  level of anger,  being a good example,  living righteously, being hard working,  working at improving...and on and on and on...you can learn a lot about yourself this way and again, if you want to, you can ask your spouse or children (if they are old enough to do such an assessment) to help you with your self evaluation.  It takes courage to do this but you can learn a lot about yourself and the insights you get can become the basis for working at improvement.

President Hinckley, in his talk...stressed the importance of being accountable to others and to ouirselves.  We need a standard of measurement to help us evaluate ourselves accurately.
What is  your standard of measurement for any aspect of your personal behavior?

In this talk President Hinckley said "Every one of us who is here has accepted a sacred and compelling trust.  With that trust, there must be accountability. That trust involves standards of behavior....Each of us carries with us a larger interest than our own interest....WITH EVERY TRUST THERE MUST BE ACCOUNTABILITY."

President Hinckley also shared..."I think of Lord Nelson on the morning of the Battle of Trafalgar when he said: 'England expects every man will do his duty.'  After that fierce and bloody contest, as he stood on the deck of his ship to extend humanity to his enemy, a ball was fired within fifteen yards of where he stood.  He fell to the deck, his spine shattered.  He expired three and a quarter hours later, his last articulated words being, 'Thank God, I have done my duty.' "  (21 October 1805, from Robert Southey, Life of Nelson)

Lives that CLEARLY exemplify characteristics like: trust, accountability, duty, integrity, self-mastery, charity....are lives that inspire me. They make me want to expect more of myself and to be a better example of such dignified qualities in all my relationships with others.  I hope you find this thought-provoking and that tomorrow morning you will walk up motivated to live on a higher level....I promise to give this considerable thought as well.... Have a nice day.  Jim

The challenges we face in life are often called TESTS.  They test us. They test our fiber.

So here is a thought on the tests we experience that you might find intriguing......or at least thought-provoking....


"It is NOT the test but rather our RESPONSE to the test that is the real test."

Professor Byron Merrill
BYU College of Religion

Tomorrow morning I will be speaking at the funeral of the daughter of some good friends of mine whom I have known for many years.  She passed away in her early forties.  These are sobering moments...sometimes very difficult but without a doubt...sobering....meaning they make us think and re-evaluate and consider what we believe and what is important to us.  We consider our our mortal condition and whether we feel at all "prepared" for the next step which awaits us beyond the momentous occasion which we call death.  With that in mind I would like to share a few thoughts...........

Sir Walter Scott once wrote... "Is death the last sleep?  No---it is the last and final awakening."

Brigham Young, second President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said... "There is no period known to them (the dead) in which they experience so much joy as when they pass through the portals of death, and enter upon the glorious change of the spirit world."

Benjamin Franklin wrote his own epitaph....
"The body of Benjamin Franklin (like the cover of an old book, its contents torn out, and stript of its lettering and gilding) lies here....Yet the work itself shall not be lost, for it will appear once more, in a new and more beautiful edition, corrected and amended by the Author."

And Victor Hugo.... "The nearer I approach the end, the clearer I hear around me the immortal symphonies of the worlds which invite me.  It is marvelous yet simple.  For half a century I have been writing my thoughts in prose, verse, history, drama, romance, tradition, satire, ode and song---I have tried all; but I feel that I have not said a thousandth part of that which is in me.  When I go down to the grave I fan say like many others, 'I have finished my day's work..but I cannot say I have finished my life's work' ; my day's work will begin the next morning.  The tomb is not a blind alley.  It is an open thoroughfare.  It closes in the twilight to open in the dawn. My work is only beginning; my work is hardly above its foundation. I would gladly see it mounting forever.  The thirst for the infinite proves infinity."

"Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.
And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow."
Alma 40: 11-12

DEATH IS REALLY BIRTH...ONE DOOR CLOSES..ANOTHER OPENS.

From the New Testament... "And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.
But they were terrified and affrighted, ans supposed that they had seen a spirit.
And he said unto them, Why are ye troubled?  And why do thoughts arise in your hearts?
Behold my hands and my feet, that it is I myself: handle me and see; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have....
Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures,
And he said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it it behooved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day."  Luke 24: 36-40, 46

So, tomorrow during the funeral services of my young friend... I hope to be able to communicate some of the light and understanding of these teachings which help us comprehend that our eternal journey goes far beyond the number of years we live on this earth.  Jim

 

First, happy 44th birthday to David William MacArthur, our second oldest son who is an attorney and lives in Seoul, Korea where he is a partner in a large Korean law firm there.  His wife is Chaewon--she is AWESOME!!...........Next a comment on life...........life is meant to be a school where we are given lessons to learn. Some of us learn them and use them in service to others. Some get bitter over them....some are confused by them.  Some look forward to "some of them" but not all!  I am kind of in that last group.
I do not always like my "lessons" while I am being "taught" or while I am experiencing them--but LATER, WITH A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE...I often find myself grateful for what my "lessons" have taught me.
So, yesterday THREE of our returned missionaries from the Chile Rancagua Mission came by to see us all in one day! Hermana Megan Hansen (and her awesome mom and little sister Heather--age 14), Elder Brett Baker and Elder Adam Pulsipher.  My wife and I were just HAPPY after having them in our home and cheering us up and bringing back memories of the mission in Chile. We hope the returned missionaries will keep coming by to see us.  We love you all.

So, the BLOG LESSON OF THE DAY? What will it be? The stuff I write about here is so random that I hope the variety is interesting to you.

Today I will write about something related to other things I have said before but it ends up being a little different angle on a theme that has helped me a lot in my life.

This is going to be called the AB THEORY OF PROGRESSING IN LIFE.

Just  A and then  B...that is it. Just two letters to remember.

What is A?  It is where you begin.  What is B? It is where you end up.

Can you give me an example? Sure.

For example....A might be that you are lazy in schoolwork or career work or work to do at home.  So you have a dilemma...laziness has you tackled and down!  What then is B in relation to A?  B is your destination in overcoming to some degree, at least, your laziness.

So, I think B will be " I really do not want to be lazy...I want to be more proactive, energetic, goal oriented,  and I want to move away from being lazy to being more of a productive get-it-done personality."

Cool.  So A is where you begin (kind of lazy) and B is where you want to end up (proactive, acting on goals, achieving stuff)

Then what is the big question that remains?  HOW WILL I GET FROM A TO B?  That is why this is called the AB THEORY OF PROGRESSING IN LIFE.

Rules that govern your progress:  I must know what A is. Then I must define what B is....then I need a little plan that will help me move from A towards B.  Might even be good to keep a little notebook where you record every day how you did on your journey from A to B.

That is it!!  Pretty simple, huh?  the AB THEORY OF PROGRESSING IN LIFE. What is A (my starting point) and what do I want B to be (what will my end point be?)......and what steps can I start taking to get from A to B?   If I have any success at all on my "trip" then I am to some degree successful.  If you are willing to tell someone else what your A to B plan is....and ask them to check up on you---you will even do better.  It means you are ACCOUNTABLE TO YOURSELF AND TO SOMEONE ELSE.  That helps.

So, one more example.  A is that I eat poorly and I have too much stress in my life. So what is B?  I want to eat better, in more healthy ways...lose some weight etc and get healthier in general. Ok I now know what A and B are---so what question is left? HOW DO I GET FROM A TO B?  Hmmmm...maybe I can tell someone in my family or a friend that I will do three new things---eat more fruits and veggies,  take a walk every day, and do more fun things to reduce my stress.

Think if you did that it would help you be a little healthier overall?  Probably.

Ok so do you get how the AB THEORY OF PROGRESSING IN LIFE works?  It can be used for small or big things. It does work if you work it.

Love ya buckets....Jimbomac

Sharon Tennyson, a registered nurse, wrote the following during a sixteen hour shift with a forty year old patient in very grave condition....

"The room was quiet....curtains pulled to reduce sensory stimulation.....the environment is a tense peace, if that is possible.  A little Basque priest comes in making his usual rounds.  He inquires quietly about my patient's condition with real concern. I am touched as he walks to the bed rail, holds his hand--palm down--about twelve inches over this man's head and begins to pray silently. Minutes later he makes a sweeping slow cross over the top part of my patient, and quietly fades out of the room.

I am aware of tears in my eys.  Why does this touch the heart and soul within me so?  This little priest, looking to be in his sixties, salt and pepper hair, no taller than five foot three inches, walks around the hospital comforting the grieving, encouraging the sick and praying gfor the dying.  And here he is today, praying over and loving a sleeping man who doesn't even know him or know he is there.
And this is his work in the world.  He does it with great dignity and compassion. How many times are there those who are silently holding us in loving thought and prayer when it is completely unknown to us?  
And my mind slowly comes back from its journey into timeless possibilities, to the bed of this beautiful man, and I take up where the little Basque priest left off, and am so touched and humbled by the possibility that we can enter into each other's lives in this silent way."

Gerald Jampolsky, TEACH ONLY LOVE (New York: Bantam Books, 1983, p 73-74)

Hmmmmmm..."and this is his work in the world"....so what is mine? What is yours?  Your choice. My choice.  I will take some time and think this extremely important question through a little more....If my life is only of value to me..then what do I have really?  If it is of value to others...its value is multiplied and perhaps I can do for others what so many have done for me....show me an example, encourage me, help keep me "in the game" and hold on to me when I get confused and a little lost...thank you to all who have done that for me.  Maybe this story will help me be more dedicated to paying it all forward, as they say....... have a nice day. Jim

"One of the best things to say is nothing.....The cool man who has himself under control, always has the advantage over the hot man....Anger dulls your efficiency...Anger dims your eye...Anger makes chaos in your thought....Few good deeds have been done in anger, while all manner of crimes are due to the intemperance of wrath....The first and greatest lesson for you to learn.....is to control your temper, and, if your nature is touchy, to resolve to take no action until the blood is cooled."

Dr. Frank Crane

If this makes you mad...take a deep breath and read it a few more times........I wish I had heard it when my kids were little....

Tomorrow is known as Easter Sunday....for me the name of the day is not as important as what happened on that day--the literal resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ by which we all know we too will be resurrected from the dead.

I would like to share a scripture from the Bible about the resurrection and one from the Book of Mormon about the Atonement of Christ and what it can mean to each of us.  I hope you have a nice day tomorrow and that the spirit of the Savior is part of your day.

Speaking of Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Christ......we read

"And very early in the morning of the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away; for it was very great.
And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
And he saith unto them. Ben not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him."
Mark 16:2-6

"And now, my beloved brethren, I would that ye should come unto Christ, who is the Holy One of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the power of his redemption.  Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth ye will be saved."

Omni 1: 26

I leave my personal witness of the truthfulness of these things. Jim

"IT IS IN THE FLAMES OF DIFFICULTY THAT THE TEMPERED STEEL OF FAITH IS FORGED.  EASE DOES NOT CALL FORTH GREATNESS."

Joseph Fielding McConkie
from Doctrinal Commentary on the Book of Mormon, Vol. 1, page 154

Again, because I have been a psychologist for 40 years I have spent my entire adult life trying to help people with various types of serious problems.  Some years back I came upon an idea that really  helped ME and I have recommended it MANY  times...I think it has helped some people.  Here it is:

1.  We all suffer during our lives.  To what end? For what purpose?  NOTHING?  We just suffer and that is it?  Continue to my next two points....we are going somewhere with this...I promise!

2.  What if I suggest that the next step is to LEARN from our suffering, problems, difficulties, challenges etc....  So I say, at some point when I am ready to take a next step---"Can I ( will I?) learn from what is happening to me?"  Personally, if my suffering and difficulties lead to nothing then that just increases my feelings of pain.  But IF I choose to take the next step and TRY to learn from my anguish....then pain PLUS learning sounds much better to me.

3. But guess what?  There is a third step that helps even more!  I go to taking my learning and use it in the SERVICE of others!  So think about it.....suffering/pain/anguish/challenges give us a chance to LEARN MORE and then we go forward with our new learning to love, support, and SERVE others because we are smarter now, more capable of helping now....

WE DO NOT HAVE TO JUST SUFFER AND BE UNHAPPY....study the next two steps and see if you can apply them....it gives us a place to go and great things to do...because "ease does not call forth greatness" as the quote above says.....in the "flames of difficulty" we become TEACHERS AND SERVANTS OF OTHERS.   Why not?  I like it.  Jim

INFLUENCE is a great gift that some people have quite naturally...but anyone can learn it if they sense the importance of it and get a few suggestions on how to do it.

Influence simply means you can affect others (hopefully in a positive way).....

If you would like to influence others more positively then here are two things you can do that likely will give you greater positive influence among others:

BE FRIENDLIER.  How do you do that?  One thing that helps is to smile more.  If you have a scowl on your face you tend to distance people.  They fear you.  Next, make contact with each person in the group you are talking to.  You can do that by saying their name, shaking hands, waving to them,  talking to them, listening to them.....but the key word is CONTACT.  That means you find a way to make some form of human contact with them (above is just a beginning list...there are many other ways..do some brainstorming).....this is a great topic for Family Home Evening...question for the night in your family lesson is "Why is being friendly important and how can we do more of it?"  Then just list the ideas of the family members on a whiteboard and then give everyone a copy.  Send your family friendliness list to others via email.  SPREAD THE WORD!!

CEASE ALL NEGATIVE COMMENTARY ABOUT OTHERS.  That is a really powerful way to have a more positive influence on others. REFUSE to let negative words and criticisms, gossip, joking about others, backbiting come out of your mouth.  Try it for even a day and you will see a difference. Plus you will be a better example for your children and others around you.  Making fun of others, humiliating, and excessive teasing all all forms of negative influence. Stop them.  Be a source of light and joy by doing these things and by being, above all the other things...FRIENDLIER...and start today.

In my practice in psychology I have suggested that to some of my clients and some respond with "I am not that type of person so I probably won't do it"....and I respond with "And WHO decided you are NOT that type of person?"  Interesting question.
Whether you are "that type of person or not" you can DO a friendliness behavior such as comes from your own list or the list above whenever you choose to....you can do just ONE thing and see how you feel afterwards as you come to realize the POWER FOR GOOD...THE INFLUENCE FOR GOOD YOU can be if that is your decision........even a decision for one hour or one day...try it...you might like it.  Jim

When I listen to all the negativity, arguing, and manipulation on television regarding political matters....it makes me wonder if we have all forgotten one very important lesson that can help us through our difficulties with each other when we disagree............



" In the essentials,
let there be unity.
In the non-essentials,
let there be liberty.
In all things,
let there be charity."

B.H. Roberts

Sometimes when I pray I get frustrated when the "righteous desires of my heart" seem to go unheeded.....this quote from Elder Neal A Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives me some understanding I need...........
(New Era, April, 1978)

"Petitioning in prayer has taught me, again and again, that the vault of heaven with all its blessings is to be opened only by a combination lock.  One tumbler falls when there is faith in Christ, a second when there is personal righteousness; the third and final tumbler falls only when what is sought is, in God's judgment--not ours--right for us.  Sometimes we pound on the vault door for something we want very much and wonder why the door does not open.  We would be very spoiled children if that vault door opened any more easily than it does.  I can tell, looking back, that God truly loves me by inventorying the petitions He has refused to grant me.  Our rejected petitions tell us much about ourselves but also much about our flawless Father. By inventorying our insights, from time to time, it will surprise us what the Lord has done in teaching us.  What we have learned in the past can help us to persist in the present.  By tallying the truths and keeping such before us, we can also avoid lapsed literacy in spiritual things.  If we will let Him, the Holy Ghost will bring all the important insights to our remembrance."

I believe there is no effort more important than whatever we can do to protect, strengthen and guide our families..both the family where we may be the child (regardless of age) or the parent or grandparent.
So, understanding the characteristics of dysfunctional (this word just means "the family does not work right or the way we want it to" or functional families (the opposite: the family DOES work the way we want it to) is important. It helps us to understand more completely and accurately what condition our family is in.

I like the 10 scale because it helps to evaluate each characteristic rather than using "either/or"  Either our family is a patient family or not...well, that is not very helpful as it only gives you two options.  Using a ten scale gives you ten options.  On the patience characteristic what do I think my family is like?  3?  7?   See how that helps you get a more accurate view of that or any other family characteristic?
So I will list below some characteristics of a dysfunctional family and you can use the ten scale to assess where you think your family of origin or your current family stands on each characteristic.  The space after each item is for your ten scale score on each item.  Example:  If you put  an  8 on #20 you are saying what?  8 on a ten scale means that you feel there is a lot of critical/judgmentalness in your family.  If you want to improve that you want to LOWER the number.  Even moving it to a 5 will improve the atmosphere in your home and family a lot.  It is interesting for the mother and father to assess all these separately and then compare their scores.  If you have older children they can also evaluate each one and compare their scores with those of the parents.  You can then have an interesting discussion about how to improve the situation.  I hope you find this helpful in strengthening your family.

1.  Fear and anxiety _____

2. Unpredictable atmosphere (never know what is going to happen next)  _____

3. Love is conditional (you have to earn it)  _____

4. Unpredictable, explosive anger  _____

5. You have to pretend to be something you are not due to fear of the consequences  _____

6.  You hide many things about yourself for fear of what will happen if they are discovered  _____

7.  Difficulty with intimacy or close interpersonal relationships  _____

8. Distrust  _____

9.  Depression _____

10.  Guilt  _____

11.  Use of children to make you look good  _____

12.  low self esteem in family members  _____

13.  Fatalistic attitudes  _____

14.  Family members are "pleasers" to protect themselves  _____

15..Fear of abandonment  _____

16.  Too serious/ difficulty in "having fun"  _____

17.  Irresponsibility in parents and/or family members  _____

18.  Difficulty working together  toward common goals  (lack of unity)  _____

19.  Various "addictions" exist  _____

20.  Critical and judgmental atmosphere  _____

Related to the last post from Sunday.....here is something I have learned from 35 years of being a psychologist in a community where a very high percentage of the people are religiously oriented and the level of education is high...........IT WOULD SURPRISE YOU TO KNOW WHO THE PEOPLE ARE WHO NEED SOME LOVE, HELP, AND SUPPORT..QUITE OFTEN THEY ARE THOSE WHO YOU WOULD THINK HAVE THE LEAST NEED....so watch people carefully....ask how they are TWICE and be sensitive.  You will find those who are struggling a bit are people who spend a lot of time helping others or SEEM to be doing "just fine"....I guess my suggestion is that we keep a careful eye on each other...everybody needs somebody and everybody needs something.

Jim

Many of the talks this weekend during the 184th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints centered on Charity (the pure love of Christ) and how it can literally become service to others.

In the spirit of that theme I thought I would share a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr on the subject of SERVICE.


" Everybody can be great.  Because anybody can serve.  You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve.  You don't have to know Einstein's Theory of Relativity to serve.  You don't have to know about Plato and Aristotle to serve.  You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace....a soul generated by love."



We sometimes hear these things and we like them very much...but somehow we don't quite "get out the door" to make service happen.  There is a big, big need for love and service in our families, neighborhoods, communities...as a matter of fact the need is endless.  Why not make a decision now to do something every day, or once a week to make a difference in someone's life so that the pure love of Christ becomes a part of the lives of those in need, those who suffer, those who cry at night when they are alone and pray for someone to help them.  They are all around us. They are praying and hoping for a knock on the door....let's knock and serve.  Take your children with you and show them how the Gospel of Christ works in the everyday world...in the lives of people.  Jim MacArthur

The other day someone asked me if the "Mormons" (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) believe in Christ!!
I have been asked that so many times that it makes me chuckle.  The Book of Mormon (we believe the Book of Mormon is ANOTHER TESTAMENT OF JESUS CHRIST along with the Bible.) Both testify of the Divinity of the Savior, Jesus Christ.
In fact,  Christ is referred to MORE frequently in the Book of Mormon than in the New Testament!

For anyone interested, here is one of my favorite series of verses in the Book of Mormon about Christ (this was written by the prophet Nephi some 550 years before the birth of Christ.)

"And now my beloved brethren, I know by this that unless a man shall endure to the end, in following the example of the Son of the living God, he cannot be saved.
Wherefore, do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and Redeemer should do; for, for this cause have they been shown unto me, that ye might know the gate by which ye should enter.  For the gate by which ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost.
And then are ye in this strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life; yea, ye have entered in by the gate; ye have done according to the commandments of the Father and the Son; and ye have received the Holy Ghost, which witnesses of the Father and the Son, unto the fulfilling of the promise which he hath made, that if ye entered in by the way ye should receive.
And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done?  Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold,  thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
And now, behold, my beloved brethren, this is the way, and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God.  And now, behold this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end.  Amen"

2 Nephi 31: 16-21

Jim

THE GREATEST TEST OF COURAGE ON EARTH IS TO BEAR DEFEAT WITHOUT LOSING HEART.     Robert Green Ingersoll


A story called MIKEY'S GOAL

Last night was the last game for my eight year old son's soccer team.  It was the final quarter.  The score was two to one, my son's team in the lead. Parents encircled the field, offering encouragement.   With less than ten seconds remaining, the ball rolled in front of my son's team-mate , one Mikey O' Donnell.  With shouts of "kick it!" echoing across the field, Mikey reared back and gave it everything he had.  All round around me the crowd erupted O' Donnell had scored!
Then there was silence. Mikey had scored all right, but in the wrong goal, ending the game in a tie.  For a moment there was a total hush.  You see, Mikey has Down's Syndrome and for him there is no such thing as a wrong goal.  All goals were celebrated by a joyous hug from Mikey. He had even been known to hug the opposing players when they scored.
The silence was finally broken when Mikey, his face filled with joy, grabbed my son, hugged him and yelled, "I scored!!  I scored.  Everybody won!  Everybody won!"  For a moment I held my breath not sure how my son would react.  I need not have worried. I watched, through tears, as my son threw up his hand in the classic high-five salute and started chanting, "Way to go Mikey!  Way to go Mikey!"  Within moments both teams surrounded Mikey, joining in the chant and congratulating him on his goal.  Later that night, when my daughter asked who had won I smiled as I replied "It was a tie. Everybody won."

Jim

What are the building blocks of life?  DECISIONS.  Each major decision (or even "medium ones") is like a brick in the wall of life.  The strength of the wall lies in the material from which the "bricks" are made.  Each brick in our personal life wall is a major or medium decision. Let me explain...

So HOW we make decisions is extremely important--regardless of our age.

I taught a course at Brigham Young University (which I wrote) called LIFE PLANNING AND DECISION MAKING.  I taught it for about 35 years.

One of the most helpful and powerful ideas related to decision making that we talked about in the class was: THE BEST DECISIONS ARE BASED IN OUR WELL THOUGHT OUT PERSONAL VALUES.

So,  good DECISIONS are NOT made independent of other things. Definitely they should not be made independent of our most dearly held personal values. What is a personal value?  It is a statement of what is important to me. I have thought about it very carefully....what do I care about most? What do I want to focus on in my life?  These are my PERSONAL VALUES.  When I come face to face with an important decision, my first question is always "which of my values will guide me in making this decision?"

Example:  Here is a decision that most of us can identify with----150 to 200 years ago families lived in often rural settings often based in agricultural pursuits.  The family members were together a lot and they built their houses together, worked in their fields together, grew their food together...they were together on the "homestead" together most of the time.  They ate together, played together, read books and possibly the Bible together.
In the next couple of generations the fathers began to work more in the cities--reducing the parental guidance at home.  Closer to our generation 60's on to now...the mothers also went into the workforce outside the home. Who was left at home?  The children.  Now the family is together less and less. And I think we have paid a price for that.  Few things are more important than casual conversations between parents and children on a long list of topics.  But if the parents are gone--and the kids are involved in numerous activities.....then the nuclear family is not together much at all anymore. I will ask you to think about and talk together about how your family experience has been if you are almost always apart from each other.  Or maybe you have seen other families like that.

What is my point?  That is an example of how MAJOR DECISIONS have changed the basic nature and functioning of our families.  How do VALUES play into this?  Well, way back at the beginning of this change in the American family should we have stopped to ask ourselves what we valued most as we considered CHANGING the family and how it functioned?  If our primary central value had been the well being of the family; keeping us close to each other so we could talk, share, problem solve, encourage, support, strengthen each other....then would some of the subsequent decisions that scattered us have been different?
Regardless of what you think of my example I hope you can see that within any family, within any relationship, within any business, any church, any community.....as we decide about changes we will make or changes we REFUSE to make....are we thinking of our most dearly held personal/family/community values so they can guide us in our decision making?  I hope so.

Recently there has been a lot of talk and research done on the importance of families eating at least one meal together each day..sitting at the same table...not rushing....eating together which permits talking, sharing, laughing, helping to happen.  It creates a place for it in the family.  We are often so busy that everyone is out of the home most of the time--and the FAMILY is something that exists on paper only.
If we are unhappy with how our family is functioning, or how our marriage is functioning, or how our business, or personal lives are functioning...WHAT VALUES DO WE HAVE OR CAN WE NEWLY COMMIT TO that will guide us making important and much needed new decisions?  The decisions must be based in carefully thought out and committed to personal and family values.

Some parents make financial decisions and sacrifices to send their daughters and sons to college for advanced educations.  That is a decision. Based in what value?  Well, your money can go one place or another.  You have to DECIDE.  And  you  may VALUE helping your children gain education so they can have more choices in life.  That is your value....and because you possess it---you are able to decide to help your children on the educational track.

In family councils (which I hope you hold regularly to work together as a family) you may be talking about how much you value ORDER and PLANNING in your family. You value those things because you believe they lead to the family outcomes you VALUE most.  You VALUE order and planning.  So what decisions do you make together in family council?  You see if you agree on the value and if you do....then you may decide to establish some rules for maintaining order and cleanliness in your home. You may decide to have "study time" each evening at 7 pm where all family members do homework for school, read a book, or watch an educational video together. You make those decisions to do those things to GIVE LIFE  to your valuing of order, organization, and planning.  You make decisions to do some of those things and you like what you see happening in your family.
AND THOSE THINGS ARE HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU ARE CLEAR ON YOUR FAMILY/PERSONAL VALUES.  You are willing to work together to make decisions on how you will live so that you are true to those values.

This whole topic is a great one to teach in your family or use in your personal life.  Discuss it in family councils and make your decisions. Implement them.  Evaluate the outcomes over time. Make adjustments as needed.

I hope this idea shows the relationship between VALUES and DECISION MAKING.  It is a very important relationship. Have a nice day. Jim

When I taught at BYU from 72 to 2010 I had my students do a very interesting exercise designed to help them get in touch with the characteristics of others that inspired them and blessed them in their lives. I asked them to name THREE people in their lives who profoundly influenced their lives and then write in their journal WHY those people had such a powerful effect. Also to attempt to describe the major personal characteristics of those people might give them an idea of some areas of their lives they might want to strengthen.

So HERE ARE MY THREE PEOPLE (tough to choose as there are many more than three)
(not in any priority order)



1.  William J Davis, history teacher and student government advisor at Coronado High School in Coronado, CA from the 40's to the 70's.
First, he liked me. He knew I was in a tough situation in my life so ANYTIME I wanted I could drop by his house and just chat and he would give me awesome books to read.  I wanted to be like him as he was a man of strength, integrity and served others without needing anything in return,  When my second son was born we named him David William MacArthur and the "William" was to honor Mr. Davis, my favorite and most inspiring teacher in high school

2.  Sherri MacArthur, my wife of aslmost 46 years,  She is an example of pure integrity and selflessness.  And she is a superb mother.  There is nothing more important to the well being of this world than for there to be MANY dedicated mothers who put their families first.

3.  Jim Petersen, my friend since our earliest days as new students at BYU in 1963,  We have been good friends for more than 50 years now and have been through many wonderful and many tragic experiences together,  He is a faithful friend--not many of those who can last 50 years in this world of today.

I would also say that my ten children: Toran, David, Paul, Mike, Lindi, Lori, Don, Debbie, Mark and Sharolyn  are the most amazing people I have ever met.  They have helped me progress in my life and I would do anything for them.


Of all the Presidents of the Church (I love and respect them all) there are several who really inspired me to try to be a better Church member---Joseph Smith, David O McKay, Spencer W Kimball and Gordon B Hinckley.  Great prophets of God.

Chad Lewis wrote a book about how great people in his life affected him---get it and read it.  Jim