COSTUMES.

Today we will talk about costumes we all wear.  What do I mean by that?  Due to our fears, needs, anxieties and oftentimes our desire to be superior to others...we wear COSTUMES (psychological type costumes)  Let me explain:  If you do not mind I will use myself as an example.  I grew up with a tremendous amount of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, distrust etc.  I was physically small, intellectually average (as I perceived it due to my lack of awareness of how to perform more adequately intellectually)  and I was very afraid of rejection by others.  Since I had little help at home...I felt if I could not obtain the acceptance of peers and others outside my home..I would have nothing..I would be alone.  Not good.

So, without knowing what a COSTUME was...I created one!  The purpose of a costume, by definition, means that because we perceive ourselves privately one way but fear that in the public arena we will not be found acceptable to others, we feel a great need to be sure we can get that acceptance that we so desperately desire.  We make ourselves into another person who is more acceptable to others!  We CREATE a public self that we hope others will find much more acceptable and "OK".
So, I  became funny, very friendly to towards others, smiley, helpful to others, much more extrovertish....Basically, I became a "pleaser" ...A pleaser is a person who finds out what people around him want him to be like and he gives it to them.  He does not express contrary opinions...does not stand up for himself.  He just finds out what "the others want" and gives it to them.  He is not really true to himself.  He is not into integrity but rather desperately wants approval from others at basically any cost.  So that is what I did.
You notice that not all aspects of the created public self that wears that pleaser costume are bad or undesirable.  But the underlying problem is that we lack genuiness and integrity because we are "selling out" in order to get approval from others.  Everyone wants approval from others but how high a price are we willing to pay?  What are we willing to for approval? Some pay a price that is way too high.  Some are playing the "pleaser game" and quite often do not realize it.
So, in what way was my pleaser style of living a costume?  Underneath my pleaser costume I was an angry, sad, lonely, insecure, scared little boy and later a teen with the same characteristics.   So I "faked it" and put on my pleaser costume and went out into the world hoping the reaction I would get to my "costume self" would be positive and produce a favorable outcome for me.
Well, mostly it worked.  But it also created some problems.  I knew that the acceptance I was experiencing was not entirely real because people around me were responding positively to my costumed self; not my real self.  But, hey...let's not talk about such honest stuff!
Actually, I was trying to keep my real, private self HIDDEN.  I had a good reason! That self would certainly be rejected and I could not tolerate that possibility.  Do you see my complicated problem?  Those around me were responding positively to my pretend, fakey public pleaser self. It was not really me.  Did they like me?  No, they were liking my pretend me.  The pretend me had a hugely important role to perform---IT WAS TO PREVENT MY PRIVATE, DAMAGED PRIVATE SELF FROM BEING DISCOVERED AND REJECTED!!  I could not let that happen.
But by hiding my underneath self.....that part of me also could NOT receive the help it so desperately needed.  What a dilemma!  My underneath, private, real self had to hide out and not receive the nurturance it so desperately needed in order to maintain the public self that wore the PLEASER COSTUME because people liked the pleaser self and allowed me to be "ok" and "acceptable" at some level at least....as long as I smile, was a good "actor" and did whatever "the others" wanted.  If I was successful at that effort...day to day things would be ok...BUT my real self, underneath, WOULD CONTINUE to suffer and be alone receiving little or no help that it really needed.  WHAT A TRAP!

But that is why many of us wear costumes--the costumes keep us "in the game" with an adequate amount of public acceptability, or acceptability within the family, within the career world etc.
What would happen to you if you took off your costume and lived in a more real and congruent, genuine way?  Could be a scary risk, right?
Well, I remember years ago that I decided I was tired of putting on my costume every day so I made a conscious decision to quit doing it.  I found I liked myself much better the more genuine I became. I could still be friendly, and maintain some of my previous characteristics BUT I could show a much wider array of personal characteristics...could express myself more honestly and openly....could risk more...could be more mature and could depend more on self approval than on public approval.  Actually it is not either/or......but I could seek approximately 60% self approval and maybe 40% external/public approval....and that ratio could legitimately vary somewhat... 80/20, 60/40  even 50/50 at certain  times..But I was in charge of that ratio and could base the whole effort in a more honest and legitimate form of self evaluation and self approval.  The costume could stay in the closet and the "games" would end.
Hope you find that interesting and helpful. Have a nice day. Jim